I understand that it's transference. I've even talked to T about it and have read a ton of books about it. As we become closer to T and more and more comfortable, our old issues (conscious and unconscious) begin to play out with our T's. They will inevitably evoke in us emotions that need some kind of resolution. And that's the beauty of transference - that the issues become plain as day and are more easily addressed in the here and now.

Something must have happened to me in my childhood that made me extra alert to being 'bad' and also contributed to me denying myself to feel feelings. Also, probably being forced to be 'mute' about my true self.

So, I'm scared that my obviously repressed anger and resentment is going to explode on T and it will be the most regrettable scene. It's already leaked out a bit and I'm ashamed of that.

So, this is the dilemma I'm facing - on one hand T is encouraging me to slowly dismantle my protective walls and get closer to my inner self. When i've made steps to do that, my emotions get the better of me and it feels like I'll lose control. The latest sarcasm episode is evidence of that.

So, I don't want to 'act out' so I'll try to maintain self control but by that very effort, it seems that therapy is less useful.

So, what is to be done? Relax and risk? Or keep walls and keep safe?