Honestly, yesterday was kind of hard. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that I typed all of that out, or that it was just kind of a stressful day (we're having trouble with our wedding bands, mine in particular, and we spent almost two hours in the store last night trying to fix it). Plus, we were both tired because I had been kind of panicky the night before (about my wedding dress... Weddings are stressful!). But today, I feel so much better. I actually put away a Dexter dvd and didn't have any emotions towards it at all! I think I attribute that to telling you everything. I mean, I rarely tell anyone the whole story. I've only told my fiance about the Dexter issue I have. But I felt better today. I feel more secure in our relationship today. Minus the fact I was all upset last night... But today was definitely a new day.

I totally get the whole only's business! My fiance had slept with a girl prior to dating me. And she basically told him that if he didn't sleep with her, she'd go find someone who would. This was his first girlfriend, and he didn't really know what else to do. It wasn't like he enjoyed it or loved her. The really annoying thing about that girl though? She was a liar, and got him to lie to his mom and stuff, did weed and drank with him (all this in high school), and yet his mom LOVES her! Still keeps in touch with her on facebook! This girl got her profile picture liked by his mom, yet my status update about going to visit our home state (where both our parents live) got nothing. It was like, really? This woman barely congratulated us on our engagement...

But back to the whole only's business. While he's slept with one other and has gone further with other girls, he's basically my first everything, except making out. I'm kind of the opposite of you, though, I always want to be told I'm the best. The best kisser, best cuddler, best everything. It's like I need to be validated or something... Maybe even a sense of "Hey, I'm better than all those other floozies." I think part of the problem is I have a higher sex drive than he does, and he doesn't put as much importance on sex as I do. For him, he finds cuddling far more important. He tells me he's never cuddled with another person, which I believe. The thing is, I know he would never lie to me, at least not on purpose (the boy has a horrible memory... He might completely forget something has happened and say it didn't, when I know it did, but he just doesn't remember, so he's not lying in his mind). Knowing he would never lie helps, because I know if I ask him anything, he'll tell me the truth. But the whole thing has kind of caused problems, because when he turns me down, if I'm feeling already depressed and anxious, I start freaking out -- "You wanted all those others girls! Why don't you want me? I'm not good enough??" Rationally, I know the two have absolutely nothing to do with one another. He doesn't want to do anything with me right now, because he's tired, he's stressed, and he's been working a lot and has to go to work tomorrow morning. Those other girls? He was drunk and miserable in Germany and they came on to him; he never went looking for it (at least not consciously). It's a constant battle between the rational and the emotional...

I wanted to talk more about how we got back on track. I think that's important. But the truth is, I don't really know. I kept trying to forgive him. I wanted to forgive him so badly, especially since I could reason away most of it. There was one night where it really started to hit home how much I had hurt him, and that he had reacted the only way he knew how. It wasn't healthy, and it was definitely immature, but he's grown up so much since then. It's funny, my fiance and I had a discussion one night how we both kind of wish we had gotten all the stupid growing up business out of the way with someone else, so that we could have our own happily ever after. But at the same time, I've started to realize I'm happy and I'm completely, head over heels in love with him, and the past doesn't matter anymore. I'm finally getting to the point where it's like "So what? We were both really young when all of this happened. We've matured and grown into a wonderful, loving couple. Nothing else matters." I do still have my emotional side that comes out and fights it, but my therapist and I are working on calming and slowing down the irrational/emotional side by making sure I take deep breaths and repeat calming mantras. I'm already improving from not doing anything to at least thinking "hey, I should probably breathe right now... But I'm not ready" It's a slow process.

So, I think the biggest thing that helped our relationship, once I started getting a hold of my emotions, was that I got him a stuffed elephant. I named him Henry (fiance spells it Henri, because I introduced him as Henri the French Elephant). And when I gave it to him, I said "This is so you don't forget how much I love you, and I don't forget how much you love me. Because an elephant never forgets." It was silly, but for some reason, it kind of helped bring us back together, because my silly fiance decided to bring Henri whenever he traveled. And not just tucked away in his bag, but sticking out of his backpack while walking through the airport. He even brought him on an RHA trip (it helped that his school mascot was an elephant). We kind of threw ourselves back into our relationship in a way that we had never done before. We hadn't really been great to each other the first time around, but we both changed. Since then, we've been on nothing but an upswing. Oh, sure, we still have crazy stuff happening in our lives, but we're supporting each other the best that we can. We want to make everything work. Honestly, in the 5 years since our first date, we've been through more than most married couples, so I have no doubt in my mind that this a forever thing.

Hope I didn't talk too much It feels good to talk with people who understand the situation (especially the whole we don't stop loving them. It's not like a switch goes off in our brains and hearts). And I hope I can share what I've learned with others, even though it's a slow process, and I generally tell those who have been cheated on to leave, but I completely understand those who stay. But I'm still learning too, so I apprecaite hearing what everyone else as to say also

I just wanted to mention, Tsol, have you thought about writing him a letter to explain whats going on? Maybe write a letter, and leave it some place he'll see it in the morning, and then spend the day out with some friends? That way you can be vulnerable, but still sort of protected?