I'm sorry you're so upset Richard. I can completely relate to the extremes mentioned above. A lot of us who have been hurt as a child do grow to have abandonment issues, attachment issues, boundry issues, esteem issues, the list goes on and on. I myself find that I have many different phases that I go through. It's strange, these phases last a few years and once a major event happens it stops and goes in another direction leaving me feeling completely detached from myself and my past. As if it happened to someone else. I remember it happening to me but find it hard to find a link between myself and my past when it comes to feelings. Strange thing but as I said, when we go through emotional trauma as a child, it makes our minds work differently. I've been through my relationship extremes phase. Where I meet someone and decide it's all or nothing. I'm either in their life 24/7 (after first meeting them) or I'm not in it at all. I can't tell you how many times in the beginning of my current relationship that I told my boyfriend (and this being in the first 2 months of the relationship) that I was leaving and moving 2 states away because I didn't like that he needed "alone time". I felt like alone time was anti me time so I couldn't handle it. Needless to say it didn't go over well and I'm very thankful we made it through that phase.

I applaud you for trying to fix yourself and work on your self. I feel like I'm constantly carrying around a mental tool box since every moment it seems I am realizing things about myself and ways to make myself a better healthier happier person. So I break out my mental tool box and start picking away at the garbage in there and start laying down some new bright happy shining floors in my mind . I think it is one of the best ways to find happiness. You have to find it within and you know yourself more than any doctor. Again, very well done working on yourself and realizing so much already of who you are. It really is harder than most people think.

You spend a lot of time during this phase with negative talk. You pull back the curtain to see what's behind it and all you see is a jumbled mess of things you just don't like. It's hard to face your demons, and even harder to get rid of them but it makes you stronger every time. And it makes you into a better happier person!

I'm sorry again that you are going through this and even more so sorry for rambling so much. I self medicate (as I call it) and have ever since I started recovery for my eating disorder pretty much. It helps during the extreme stress times when I can't hold a cracker down and it helps my stress when doctors refuse to give me any medication for stress even though it's causing me to have seizures (the stress is causing it, they wont see me since I don't have insurance)

I don't like medication but I do self medicate for those reasons and one day I hope to be able to get my medical card. One day I do hope to live completely free of all things that effect your mind and mood. I hope to live happy and healthy just being me, but who doesn't? It's not meant for me yet, it will take more work than I want to give but it will make it that much sweeter when I'm at the top looking down at the giant mountain I just conquered. For now, I continue to use (only) marijuana and pick apart my mind.

It's a hard thing you are doing but you seem very intelligent, effectionate, determined person and as long as you continue searching, you will find what you are looking for, it will be a bumpy road but a beautiful ride none the less