thank you so much for your suggestions. it does feel awkward to think about doing that. while there are times that books appear in places they wouldn't normally be, and evidence is found of "playing" type things, doing them myself with the intent of soothing parts of self, i don't know. it's hard to even think i do them while i'm in a dissociated state let alone doing it on purpose, if that makes sense. I will try to try that though. thanks so much.