About two years ago I started talking on the phone to this man that I have known for about 9 years then. From about 10:30pm to around 12:30 or 1am. Every night, never missing. Once a month I would go to his house and help him with his bills and getting things read to him (he is blind).

This past February I got tired of the abuse that I got from my husband of 14 years. Not really physical, but lots of mental (verbal). He made my son quiet and our cats very skittish. Everyone was on edge. I got the courage to leave and move into this other town with my son and friend. By this time my friend had progressed to telling me that he loved me, had for a long time, and that he wanted to marry me. I realized that I loved him. He made me seem so surrounded by love and good about myself. The exact opposite of how my husband made me feel.

During all this past 6 months, I have had contact with my husband. For awhile he did his best to assure me that he had changed and that he truly loved me. My son did not like this and told me that he would never change, use the END key on my phone. When I say contact, I mean all kinds of contact. He moved out of state and I still drove down there to see him and spend time with him. Never over night and away from my son. My male friend was hurt by this and we argued a lot. When my husband is not in the picture, things are good. He told me that when I come back from seeing my husband, I am a changed person for about 3-4 hours. Very depressed and snotty.

My problem is that all three of us, me my son and my male friend moved back into town so that my son could go to school closer. It was costing me $350 in gas just to do it before. This move caused my husband to just explode and pull away from me. All this time I had been telling him that I was looking for a place for us, and that we were getting back together. I meant everything I said. I went to ads, saw apts. and did everything you would normally do. Then this place came up and my son and I moved into it with my male friend.

All this time my male friend and I have been having a relationship. We refer to each other as fiance, and fiancee.

I don't want to let go of my husband. He has moved far away, about 100 mile trek to his daughter's and is very hurt. He says that I have moved my male friend into his space. I am having very bad anxiety attacks, depression so bad I rarely leave the apartment, and until just recently my husband had found a "lady friend" that took my spot. I was livid.

I guess I need to let go. My problem is how. My husband is very controlling and used to time me from one spot to another if I was running an errand. I am still trying to get my husband to believe in me and give us another chance (which I know is not what is good for me). I have a divorce hearing on the 23rd of this month and I am scared. If he is there, I can't do it, I just can't. If he is gone, I am not sure what to do, proceed or quit it.

I love my husband, and I love my male friend. I am at a loss.

Thanks.

Mary Alice