Hi everyone,

I first of all want to send hugs to everyone, please know I was si free for a year, and last night or night before i needed it again.

I thought i wouldn't do it anymore, i thought i was done with that and on to a different part of healing. I am going backwards and self-destructing fast and hard.

I don't want tell anyone cause am so scared about reactions. I am also hospital free since oct. 10 however i don't know if will make it a year out or not. I have a very good friend that has just been commited for at least 6 months. I don't know how to handle this. I know she doesn't care and is giving up again, I don't see a turn around this time in her. I feel how she feels, except she wants lock up and I do NOT want it....I just want , well I odnt know what want no more.

starting back again with si has shocked my system and i feel that i need to si all the time. i can't go back to how it used to be, i just can't go back there, am so afraid of starting this again, I know I have the choice to never do it again, however that is something so hard to choose. the relief that came over me was awsome and was able to make it through the moments for a while.

anyways, just venting, i have a feeling non of this makes sense and its just babble.

thanks for listening,
jen