"I have done things in session without planning that was hurtful and I have felt extremely ashamed about it." (sorry and please excuse, I don't know how to import quotes into my reply.)

skysblue, That statement (in quotes above) is profoundly important (in what it shows about your capacity for self-reflection, empathy, and perception of consequences) and I think I am starting to get why you really and truly are in a huge dilemma. I suspect that your fears about alienating your T, and the potential for that having some really bad, even traumatic, repercussions are not baseless fears. The ability of a trained professional to "handle" difficult interactions with a client can get over-taxed. When that happens, the emotional fallout can be incredibly painful and disturbing to both the client and the T, even possibly rupturing the therapeutic relationship beyond repair.

The only reason I know that is because it has happened to me. Also, I had a highly talented psychiatrist once, who told me that there are a minority of clients who have an unusual ability to trigger this sort of a scenario. She further maintained that a situation can occur that is just too overwhelming for a T to cope with. Her conclusion was that certain clients must be treated in a setting (like partial hospitalization/psych day care) where the T always has emotional support form other staff. That might not be available to you, or might not be what you would want to do. My main point is that you are not overstating the potential for an office visit to go very wrong. And I believe your concern about the T being only human and not invulnerable to getting overwhelmed by her own emotion is within the bounds of realistic thinking.

We all want to be optimistic and encourage you to take down the barriers . . . the inhibitions that curtail your free expression of how you feel. And, typically, that is the general way to go. Sometimes, things just aren't typical. Your high level of apprehension may be due to you having a lot of insight into the potential for a hurtful meltdown. I can see where that could leave you feeling like you don't have a "good" option that you can comfortably just go with.