I work with all ages of kids. the youngest that Social services brings to us is months old and the oldest client we have is 92.

we have many teen agers here and teen groups on many things including death and transitioning to new situations because of death of a parent.

all say the same thing - come on like a hardass, Im the adult and Im now your parent and what I say goes and Im going to tattle on you to your teacher, doctors, therapists and psychiatrists is one sure way to push a teen ager away and make them fight the situation and fight the rules.

think about you at 14 yrs old. no matter the situation - having a boyfriend cerfews, what you can and cant do in your own bedroom and bathroom, what you could do with your friends.. did adults not your parents try to step in and tell you what you should and shouldnt be doing and how to do things? now be honest what was that first thought while they were coming at you in teen terms like a hard asseed b@#$ch, or MF.

when non parents come at teens teling them what to do and how to behave and all that they start fuming, shutting the lecture and talk out and thinking just STFU your not my mother.

(this poster is not the parent they are the teens "Guardian" until the poster legally adopts the dead friends teenager they are not legally nor ethically considered the teens "parent" in the USA. the term is guardian not parent.)

so now add to that humiliation of being a 14 yr old teen recieving a lecture on how to behave from someone not their parent the fact that this person saw them in the nude, (did you feel comfortable being naked in front of adults when you were a teen just filling out in the private areas on your body?)

now again put yourself into a 14 yr old teen ager.. you and your puberty ranged body just got caught naked and receiving a lecture on how to behave and on top of those two humiliating things this person who is not your mother and not your father is saying they are going to run tattling to your therapist about you.

now on top of that humilation you dont even have the comfort of doing what they teach in schools for situations if kids find they are feeling uncomfortable, humiliated or upset by any one that approaches a child in the form of physical, sexual or emotionally abusive situaitons (yes teens consider being humiliated by adults to be abusive) - say no, go to your parents and tell..

this teens parent is dead so she is stuck in a situation where there is no escape.. when there is no physical escape from percieved danger what happens? (whether or not is is doesnt matter the teen may feel that way)

dissociation, behavior problems escollate, depression (oh wait this teen is probably already extremely depressed because her parent died recently) change that to possible suicidal thoughts and actions.

the key is to do whats best for the child.. not make things harder and more upsetting.

no Im not saying be her BFF.

Im saying how the poster handled the situation isnt how we handle this kind of situaiton where I live and work.

teens arent children you can come on like a hard *** with. they are not 5 yrs old where you ccan say this is how it is, because I say so.

and they arent adults so you cant let them have free rein either.

each situation warrents different things. this particular situation a death of the parent, teen has to live with someone not the parent nor family and most learn new rules and how to do things.

instead of treating them like you would a 5 yr old treat them like a teen ager -

respect their body and space for what it is - their bodies and their space.. and teach them the rules in a kind, non threatening manner and never black male them with threats of disclosing their negative behaviors to friends, family, teachers, therapists, doctors as a way to get them to conform to your standards of appropriate behaviors.

treat the 14yr old like you would have wanted someone to treat you if this had happened to you when you were 14.