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Elysium · 07:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LexieZ19

(Add on to previous post)
My best friend recently passed away. I promised to take care of her daughter like she was my own, her daughter was willed to me and my husband. She's 14 and has become a little hard to handle. I am going on Thursday to talk to her therapist (who deals with grief and body image) but wanted to get any other ideas first.

Today I ran into two problems with her. I had grounded her from her boyfriend because I had caught her almost naked with him twice. I went to her room to ask her if she wanted to bring a friend with her to dinner tonight. Her door was open and I saw her naked in her bed sky ping her boyfriend. She hung up then I explained to her that she should not be doing that because he could post the videos or pictures on the internet. I then told her she should have more self respect then that.

The second problem was that I found diet pills in her bathroom. I was cleaning it for her when she was at tumbling practice and found a bottle of them. She is dangerously thin already and should not be taking them (She is 5'2 86 pounds). I confiscated them and told her sternly she should not be taking them and that I Was going to have to tell her therapist.

Well....okay, you've gotten some good suggestions, and not so good suggestions, imo. I'll toss mine into the pile and you can take what you think will work best and leave out the rest.

First thing....yelling, or any other type of verbal aggression is not going to work with Teens...it will only set them off and push them further away. Let her know you understand she needs/wants privacy, and that it is as important to you as it is for her to feel like she has some privacy, but at the same time you are responsible for her physical and emotional well being and you will not see that compromised by anyone, including herself. If she is skyping her boyfriend in the nude, it is time to take the computer OUT of the bedroom and relocate it to a more public area of the home, like the living, kitchen, or dining room. Chances are she won't be so quick to strip nekked for this guy if she knows she's going to be putting on a show for everyone. The only reason she does it now is because she can. I, personally, don't agree with taking the door off of her room because a person, even a child, has a right to privacy. A happy medium needs to be found, or attempted to be found and having a place where she can go and be alone safely is important. If you remove her door, she could just rebel and spend more private time OUTSIDE the house doing who knows what with who knows who.

You mentioned the diet pills, and that she is in tumbling. I would be cautious with this. Diet pills can have very bad affects on the body, which it sounds like you know, but also some can damage your heart. Does she have a tumbling coach? If she does, you may want to inquire with the Coach whether he is encouraging her in any way to take these "diet" pills, as a way to manage her weight to meet a certain weight class to participate in her sport. If he is, you need to let the Coach know that you do not agree with this and that she is to cease this behavior immediately. If Coach is pushing the idea on her, he needs to step up and tell her she needs to knock it off. If Coach refuses, tell her that she stops taking them or she stops tumbling...period. If she wants to continue in her sport she needs to do what is healthy for her body. Diet pills are not the answer.

As far as "telling" her therapist....this attitude is dangerous. A person, especially a Teen who has just gone through trauma, needs to feel that safe connection to their T. They need to feel that THEY have some control in how the relationship plays out and they need to know that T is there for them. By turning this into an "I'm gonna tell" game, you are putting her in fear of that relationship becoming damaged and causing her to worry that the T may now be "on your side" as opposed to most interested in Teens best interest. Yes, T should probably know, but I think a better way to go about this would be to let her know that you feel it is important for her T to know that she is consuming these pills and state that you will contact her T to have a joint session...TOGETHER...where you all can sit and discuss it. This way, she will, hopefully, feel that you're not attempting to sabotage her relationship with her T, but that you are attempting to allow her to have a say and have a voice and work it out together. This could benefit her in that she will feel more supported by you and instead of making you the bad guy, for telling on her, you will be looked upon more favorably and you could build some trust here with her.

I also would like to suggest that maybe you get into some sort of classes, like Human Development, that focuses on childhood and teen years, as this could only help you to understand the life she currently faces. If you can understand it, you will more likely be able to build a trusting relationship with her.