Wow - I am impressed and overwhelmed. Everyone has made so many wonderful insightful comments. I will re-read them until I understand them better and hopefully be able to apply some of the wonderful suggestions you have offered. You know, trying to understand my own self seems to me right now like trying to capture the ocean in a sieve. It seems at one moment that, "aha, I get it!" and the next moment it's gone.

I told my T this week that even with all the years of study and reading about the big questions of life and with all of my 'knowledge', the past few months have made it crystal clear that I am beyond clueless. The matters of the psyche and the unconscious have not been explored well by me. I am so confused, I told my T. And it feels hopeless to be able to change myself.

My T responded by saying, 'That's because you believe it can be accomplished by the force of will." And I said, "I'm happy to not make the effort - not to force it. Let me lay on the raft that will let me float on the stream of awareness. I would be delighted not to work so hard."

It is so mysterious - this mind of ours. I suppose I would say that this exploration is the most exciting and fulfilling exploration possible for any human being.

Again, thanks for all of your well thought out responses and I am so delighted that this community gives so much to each other.