i have rapid cycling bipolar disorder & before i was diagnost had no idea what that was i use to have thoughts that were set up like a free way 3 lanes going in 1 direction &3 lanes of thoughts going in the other direction it got real bad i now take seriquil calonpin & zanex & now new med anti depresent for the first yr takking meds it was really hard it slowed everthing down & all i wanted to do was sleep i kept telling my doc i felt like i was dragging a 18 wheeler truck up hill with me every were i went & then 1 day i realized i had 2 boys & a husband & house i had to maintaine so i got upa few weeks passed dont know how many but i was sitting on my couch watching tv & what i realized is that i had 1 thought that felt odd cause all my life i or my brain was liveing on a freeway with all my thoughts i use to get done with things in 2 hrs what it took for most people 2 days to do i did everthing before med now with this 1 thought i didnt know what to do so i called my doc & told him what do i do with this 1 thought meaning i wasent thinking of a million things & he said i dont know so i went to my neig hbors house my friend to tell him & when i was out there i heard things like the birds is was if i heard them for the first time it became overwhelming for me cause i was 35 & i felt at that moment my life changed i was lazy for about a year but did the best i could then i became depressed & they wanted to put me on a anti mind you thats what they did from the start before the seriguil & that got me 302 because when you have raceing thoughts in my opinion you dont give a anti depressent without a mood stabelizer i learned the hard way so after i was on seri for about a yr i became depressed & they told me they wanted me to take a anti i said no way i show you & i went & got a job had it for 5 yrs & for the last 2yrs i was there i struggled real bad i started getting panic attacks was getting sick in parking lot due to stress of haveing to go to work cause all my mind kept telling me call off today over & over so i had to leave my job health went to hell diet bad low potassum because i was rapted up in my thoughts i never thought to eat properly so in oct it will be a yr i left & now everything is my fault in my head my mind puts me down more times than i can count like the other day i was going to see my tp i sprayed purfum on me & my boy came up to hug me before i left & the purfum was still wet so it got on his shirt & right nothing being said about it i walked away & the first thought that came to my head was im gonna die getting to my docs & he is never gonna wanna take that shirt off i just figured out tonight that the kids will be going to school sooner than i thought & right away my mind told me i suck i didnt take them on vacation im a bad mom ,they r good kids & if i die they will get over it & my husband will find someone better & they may have a happier i am a good mom & i do reconize that but like calling off work my mind plays these games that r never endeing it is horrable to live this way i dont yell at my kids or beat them im alot like a friend & a mom when need to be i just think im not goodenough & i dont think i ever will but i try week after week & ill never give up sorry such a llong story i just took off with that 1 the meaning of the story is if you can tell yourself its your illness & its not really you its just the chemicals that r off in your head may help with some of the struggle its not me its my illness try it good luck i wish you the best!hope i helpted !i hope i didnt confuse you ! see there goes my brain when i do something good it gotta twist it to my fault ! good luck !