I continue to study the changes needed to cure my sexual anorexia addiction. The personal changes I will have to make are huge. I am going to SLAA meetings; there are few people there who are sexually anorexic (or, if like me, they just don't speak up). But, I continue to go. It will be a total life change. I must discard almost everything I have learned. I have to change my unconscious, knee-jerk reactions to things. I have to start totally anew, giving up most of what my parents taught me. I do not relish the internal battle of correcting myself repeatedly. All I can trust is that what I learned previously was wrong. I feel that I am walking on thin ice and am afraid to break through. Still, breaking through is what I need to do and the water will be very cold. And, I must immediately swim in that frigid water with the prayer that it will shock my soul and warm my heart to open to others. The rocky foundation that I learned before I could even talk is a false road; it leads to no where; it leads to an empty life. I cannot jump and hold my breath; instead I must dive in and breathe. I must do things that are natural but do not feel natural. My subconscious and muscles must unlearn and forget almost everything in their memory. And, I must rebirth myself yet somehow be the same person only different. I cannot worry if I have the confidence to do this. Worrying is a self-defeating luxury I cannot permit myself. Yet, it's not a matter of "just do it" either. I have to be careful and thoughtful and gentle with myself; and I must change without feeling defeated or resentful or bitter. I must set a goal that sleeping alone with my head on a pillow every night is not satisfactory; and that sleep is more than recovery from the exhaustion of daily mental strain from living an unworkable life. Being alone is all I've ever known since I was a child and I have to say goodbye to the false feeling of comfort it has given me. Bye-bye old friend and hello to new ones, whomever and whatever they may be.