I have been feeling down. I don't like the word sex. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I am jealous because others have had it. I have spoken to my boyfriend about sex but it's like sex isn't for me. Yesterday, We were speaking about sex and I showed him a clip of people making love which I liked and after I had a image of cutting in my head. I'm not a person. I guess I have to stop looking at "dirty" stuff. It wasn't, it was romantic. In my head, it's like sex is dirty. When I hear people have had sex or read about stories and people had sex, I feel sad and I think I am useless and I'm a waste. The pictures of blood and cutting calm me down. Cutting is to relieve myself, I don't know how to explain. I don't cut myself but I feel tempted sometimes. My boyfriend is a lovely and kind. It's not his fault but I wished I had it. Other people are soo lucky. It's my fault.