Okay, Perna, that's exactly what I want to do. Become more comfortable with myself, more secure in myself, so that I don't need to wake my fiance up. So, you gunna tell me how to do this?

MasterPlan and madisgram, I do try to journal. But I've realized I have some trouble with journaling because I feel bad/guilty about how I feel, and writing it down forces me to take ownership of it. It's hard to take ownership of things you don't want to be associated with (I have a lot of guilt over these fights...). But that's probably something I should work on, because by taking ownership, I might be able to let it go (teflon mind and all that?)?

I also have a tendency to wait until I'm rational to journal, when I should probably be writing when I'm emotional and then again when I'm rational (or emotional to help me become rational...).

ReadytoStop, when my fiance isn't too exhausted, he can help me by scratching my back, hugging me, or combing my hair. These help me calm down and feel cared for. But when he's SUPER tired, he just can't process anything. Which makes me freak out more...

And I know it's not that he doesn't know I'm upset. I know he does tend to put things aside because he realizes that tomorrow I"m going to be fine. But that doesn't help me feel validated in the moment when I'm getting panicky.

Thanks for all the responses. I think I'm going to have to work more on my journaling and practice breathing and calming self mantras more. I'm getting to the point where I think "I should try to breathe right now, but I'm just not ready" and my T says that this is a moving in the right direction. Also, the other night when I got mad, I actually left the apartment and went to a bar. Just sat and drank cream soda and watched the sports. It helped me calm down a lot, and I felt safer than just going out for a walk in the pitch black. What do you guys think of that? Good idea or bad idea?