Quote:
Originally Posted by hankster
I would say, this T is not your responsibility. If you are already worrying about his $#!+ to the extent that you are already posting about it, go with your gut and get the heck out. I think he disclosed WAY too much, and I assume that disclosure was more or less planned, not in the heat of the moment, as this incident was. (obviously I am confused here, but still think it's too much!).
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Hankster, I'm not trying to be rude or confrontational, but you've just totally lost me. I don't feel that I was communicating that I'm worried about T's trauma history. In fact, watching him get triggered and then pull himself out of it a few minutes later made me feel much less worried about where he is in his process.
I can't say that my instinctual response to your belief that the disclosure was planned supports that. T's trauma history is different than mine, and the context in which he disclosed it was only loosely connected to experiencing the trauma directly-- it was about what he, as a child, promised himself he would never do (beat a woman). It wasn't the situation where he said essentially, oh poor little me, my dad beat my mom. take care of ME. But maybe I am "protesting too much" or resisting another possible interpretation. I do appreciate you being willing to put your thoughts out there, though.
But, honestly, I find that by operating on an assumption that someone's behavior is benign (even if misguided) a better way to approach interpersonal relationships than assuming that there are hidden motives everywhere. I think that you're suggesting that perhaps he's trying to get me to take care of him as a prelude to initiating some kind of inappropriate relationship. Given the way that he talks about his wife occasionally in a completely devoted and loving way, I don't really see that as a motive.
I think I'm also feeling not particularly heard by you. My T and whether or not he was triggered and my responsibility for that was not the issue. It isn't really about him, it's about me and my desire to be sure that I am "reading" him right and that I am accurate about what I perceive about him as he relates to me. The issue there, I think, is that because of my history I only feel safe if I can "read" people. So this is raising in me my issues around safety (particularly around men). I feel as if I am in danger if I can't read what's going on with someone; I feel desperate to get the information I need to make a correct assessment.
That's the problem. I should be able to feel safe even if I can't know what's going on with the other person. I suspect that most of my life when I've felt safe, that I haven't really known what was going on, but I *thought* I knew. It's being confused about what might be going on that's the kicker.
Anne