I will begin by admitting to having fantasies, and acting out fantasies of sexually masochistic behavior. I say this so I don't sound judgmental.

Does anyone have an opinion regarding whether or not sexual masochism is a real disorder and whether or not there should be treatment for it? Research that I have found seems to point towards the notion that masochistic fantasies are normal, even for men and women who have not been abused. I have never considered my behavior to be abnormal, but I have wondered if I have a problem. I admit that I was raped at the age of five, and that I remember my fantasies starting around that time (I can't be sure if it was before or after the incident). I wonder sometimes if my fantasies and actions are a way of gaining some sort of control over my sexuality, since I was too young to truly explore this when I was raped. I do remember feeling at fault after it happened, and I remember feeling like it would be unwise to talk to my friends or family about it. I also remember becoming more aware of sex, in general, afterward. I would let boys that I knew play with my genitals, and I felt like I was somehow doing what was expected of me...like it was the only way to get people to like me.

Having said this about my personal past, and knowing that people who do not have a history of abuse still fantasize about masochistic behavior, I am torn as to whether or not it should be considered a disorder.

I'm curious to hear other people's thoughts on the matter.

BTW, please refrain from suggesting that I see a therapist. I have already tried therapy several times, and it I did not feel like it helped me very much. Over time, I have talked with friends and boyfriends about my history and have come to terms with my behaviors and I am working on improving my self esteem through yoga, meditation, ballet, art, music, and writing. I wrote this post to gain perspective on how other people feel on the topic matter, and not how they feel about my past. I mentioned my experiences only to underscore why I am curious about this "disorder". I hope those who read this understand why I make this request.

Thanks!