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I have been with my bf for 9 months and been living together for nearly as long. We have a lovely relationship, but when it comes to his personal life I feel left in the dark. We are very close and plan to marry soon. I was apprehensive when I found out he had a child but he loves me and I love him. I decided the only way to cope with it was to embrace it.
In February it was the little boy’s 3rd birthday and I brought him a children's book and asked my bf to give it him. He didn't need to say who it was from, just add it to whatever present he was buying and in the future when he is older I wanted to be able to say that I was thinking of him even then. Till this day my bf still has not given the boy the book. I felt hurt by this as I want to be involved even though he has a mother. I felt my gesture was harmless. I have spoken to my bf about this he just says he will, and then he started saying he want me to give it to the boy.
Problem is I have not met him and my bf is in no rush either. I have always asked him about the baby's mother and whether she gives him a hard time but he said that she is cool. He see his son every 1-2 weeks, and pays money each month. I really wanted to meet his son as I want to fully know how things will be - he might be pain, I might feel uncomfortable around him, the child’s mother might cause problems ect. I feel it’s good the kid is young as he is not really going to have an issue with me, and as he never known his parents together.
The other week we booked tickets to finally take the son out. When he told the mother, she asked who he was going with and when he said his gf she said and that we were not going to play happy families with her kid. I had understand how she might feel, but he is my bf's son too and he doesn't need to ask for permission to take him out with whoever.
She said also that her mother (who basically raises the child) and my bf’s mother will not like it. My bf was pretty sure thet wouldn’t mind. The child's mother goings round to see my bf mother. I understand they have a child together, but I think my bf should be the one to take child the Granma’s house, like he already does. I told him this and he agreed, and said that his mother only puts up with her. One of the reasons that they broke up was because she use to turn his mother against him and she would believe her over him. He even had to leave home for a while because his mother kind of flipped on him. She is fine with him now. Luckily, when I met his mother, she loved me. Don’t think the ex knows I have been over there. Now we think she will go running to his mum to complain.
When the mother said all this he started having second thoughts. It upset me that he was at her mercy. They don't have a formal arrangement so he is worried will take him to court. I believe that we should be sensitive to her, but I cannot have him not being firm with her. She has the child around who she wants so he should be able to also. She has never met me so it’s purely because he has gf. They broke up two years ago and am the first one he has even thought about introducing to his child. I think he should pick his son up as usually and then meet me at his mums to go out. I told him this and said ok. I am willing to be considerate to her, but telling my bf he can’t have is son around me is unreasonable. Hopefully she will get use to it.
Last night I wanted to discuss the situation and what we should do in general, but he told me that I shouldn't be talking about it and that it was none of my business. He said we would have our own kids soon. I don’t want a kid right now and even if I had 20 kids I would still feel the same way. I grow up without a father so I want the best for his son. I was deeply upset about this. He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the night. For the first time I am having doubts about our relationship, can’t be disrespected like this. We are supposed to be a team and best friends so it is my business.
1. I want to be at least listened to by him when I have a problem or input regarding this situation.
2. To be informed when he has to do something with the mother as soon as he knows, not weeks after.
3. Has a big graduation picture in mum’s house is of him, his mum and the ex. He said that he has been meaning to Photoshop her out for years. It’s a big picture on the mantel piece all the other picture are of family no one else there their ex there. I want him to do something about removing her. This can’t help her move on and I feel awkward when we visit his mother. Hopefully it will make her realise that she can’t have control in his family anymore.
4. If we plan to do something with his son I don’t want him to give in just because she being difficult. She will only get use to it if realise that he is serious in all respects. So what if she takes him to court, it might be for the best.
I don’t feel am being unreasonable, just want to feel part of things. I am not looking to replace that mother just feel more involved with my partner’s life. Any advice is welcomed.
Thanks.
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