My t used that phrase when we were talking about what she felt was my excessive need for email replies from her (typically, 2 or 3 per week). I've been in therapy with her for several years now, and acknowledge that perhaps i should be farther "down the road" than i am, and able to incorporate that feeling of connectedness with her when I'm not with her. However, unfortunately, I still struggle alot with it. Some part of me needs to have regular email correspondence with my t. When my t doesn't reply in a timely way, or replies saying "I'm too busy to address your concern now," this part of me feel incredibly hurt and abandoned. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it always triggers me into a spiral.

Now, the logical adult side of me understands that sometimes people get busy and can't respond when we want them to. But i feel certain that it is dissociative child parts of me that get triggered into feeling abandoned. When my t talked to me about how infants need that sort of 24/7 care, but that "you're an adult and i need to treat you like an adult," those child parts of me felt devastated. It has taken literally "years" to get to a point where i could be open and vulnerable enough to let that hurt child part of me show up, and express her needs. And now, it sounded like she was telling me that i shouldn't be that way because i'm an adult.

So anyway. . .my t and I have talked 3-4 times about this now, and I am still having alot of problems understanding it. She now says that she wasn't discouraging me from having child parts or saying they should be adults. But it certainly sounded that way to me. What else "could" she have meant by saying that? Since then, i just feel depressed, like it's not OK to be the way i am. I mean, i already felt very ashamed of the side of me that i knew wasn't like a normal strong adult. But now, i feel even more ashamed, and sorry i ever let go of my hold on that part of me or let her be seen or ask for what she needed from my t.

Lately, i've done my best to push those child parts of me out of my awareness, and did it for about 1 month. I honestly felt like i was doing well, feeling strong, no sense of pain. But over the weekend, something triggered me and i just started crying and couldn't stop. I didn't' even know why i was crying. I thought i was fine and didn't see it coming at all. I'm thinking maybe it was coming from the part of me that i've been trying to ignore. . .this child part . . .in favor of being the adult that i need to be. I guess it isn't working so well after all.

I don't know what to do. My t says that we can talk about it again on my session this week, and she will try to help me understand. But all i can think of is that she is telling me that this child side of me is weird and wrong, and i shouldn't be like that, or need what a child would need. The only way i can get rid of feeling that child part or her needs, is to try to get rid of her.

I understand that the goal of therapy is to grow up those parts of us that feel like hurt children, but all that discussion about infant needs versus adult needs, and how i need to be an adult. . .left me feeling ashamed and wrong for being this way. I don't know how to change the way i feel or what i need.