Way too graphic to put on this board, but I was very triggered last week. I left a message for T, so it wouldn't grow bigger and bigger in my head and make it so I wouldn't be able to talk about it.

Luckily, my life is so busy right now, so the time does pass quickly. But I finally saw him today and the tears started. Tears for me and my confusion now...my inability to understand boundaries, my confusion about what IS okay and what ISN'T okay, just the confused mess that I am sometimes. And tears for my little part, and the crap she had to go through that brought me to this point.

I cried so hard I thought I was going to, very literally, throw up, but I was terrified to walk out of his office so there I was. I finally asked for some water and T got me some and I managed to breathe and get through it.

SO much old pain. And current pain, actually...just the pain of being so. completely. confused. Ugh.

At the end, T was flipping through his appt book, and I could see his surprised reaction. I saw him for an hour (45 mins) today, and my next appt is a whole week away, for 45 mins again. I know that's normal for most people, but not really for me. So T offered me a long session next Monday, even though he told me that he can't do long sessions on Mondays. I guess he's making an exception, and I really do appreciate it, and it was a really caring gesture. But wow, so far away.

No. One. in my life knows what I'm dealing with in therapy, or even that I *am* dealing with something. I feel so so alone with it, and I'm not willing/able/brave enough/whatever to share it, so here I am.

I feel like I've slipped back into the hole a little bit. I can *see* the sky, but I can't quite get back there.