Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin
I kinda envy you because you were able to cry. I just can't .... yet .... although it's coming. I know I'm going to feel better when I do, but I just can't - not in his office anyway. I'm sorry the pain was so intense for you. It sounds like a very painful session, but you survived. I think just feeling the pain, letting it out, leads to healing.
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I didn't cry for the first couple of years of T, but then I did.
This is the first time I've cried about this, which truly has to be my deepest wound. I never thought I WOULD cry about it - I didn't think I COULD. I'm not even sure why. All I've ever felt about it before are terror and a big, BIG sense of "yuck" and of just being gross.
Today I really cried about something very specific about it. It was scary to let myself feel that sadness for that little me. I didn't cry when it was happening. Being scared and feeling gross are one thing...crying is something else altogether. It's feels like a way of allowing my little self to realize she didn't deserve what happened.
T left a message for me tonight, mainly saying he'll leave a message for me tomorrow...but in the message, he said that he could so understand the trigger, and could see and feel how much it hurt. And he said that even though I am so sad right now, I'm going to be okay. And it helped a little.
It feels like my worlds are colliding...the busy-ness of life with my boys, the stress that is going on with H, the childhood stuff that is hanging around right now. The transitions of my sweet kitty and my sweet friend dying and of my son starting high school. Just...all of it.
I think I need to just sleep for a while.
