Thanks to everyone for the input. I have an appointment today with a psychologist.

Skysblue-I know you're right, it's time for me to go, but I'm damn conflicted. I feel like I gave up on him and myself, but I did try hard to make this work. In spite of all the mis-attunements, I am attached to him and find the prospect of not seeing him again to be devastating. I don't want to mourn any more object loss right now and the whole experience feels like it damaged me in some way