Hello Xeneon. I am sorry to hear you are so troubled with faith. I wish to share with you my realization, which bears quite some similarity to faith. Maybe it will help. Do not feel obligated to listen. I am no authority on faith, God, or anything.

The way I see it, there is an error in our thinking, which causes us to blame God for our pain. God, the way most people understand God, the prime mover, one without whose will a sparrow does not fall from the sky, indeed is, by all accounts of ours, in or causing everything that happens, all that is born, all that dies, and even you gaining money, and you losing money. But it is not God that causes your pain. It is your MIND, your story about what happened, that causes your pain.

Let me illustrate this error with a simple example. Let's say you see a lovely flower, just incredibly beautiful. You admire this flower, you are happy that it exists, you inhale its sweet, sweet, fragrance, you gently touch the silky soft petals. You love this flower. And then someone comes along and casually steps on it. You erupt in anger! Right? This callous person destroyed this amazing beauty that you loved. Maybe you yell and scream. Maybe you just sit and cry, overcome with grief. Whatever your reaction, you suffer.

But lets say no one came along. The flower just bloomed over, wilted, and died, no more beauty. Well, let's blame GOD then! Now, I do realize that most of us grudgingly accepted the reality of wilting of flowers and for most part we are gracious enough to not get angry at God over that little "oops", how forgiving of us, right? But we are not that forgiving with the rest of the stuff.

We are ingrates, that's all. Instead of living in the moment, and appreciating, loving, thankful for this amazing miracle around us, we COMPLAIN. Never mind that there was a flower, so amazing, so sweet, we are upset that it isn't anymore. Never mind that there was lovely child, so pretty, so smart, so lively, we are in pain that she's no more. Never mind there was a big fat bank account with our name on it, and we could afford decadent luxuries, and help the people we love, we are upset that the money is gone.

We constantly, incessantly, INSANELY argue with what IS. We believe that, that which happened shouldn't, that those who died, shouldn't have. And that is the source of our pain. Refusal to simply accept what is. Nothing should be simpler, right? What is, is. What happened, happened. But no, we have a compulsion to cry over a spilt milk, to suffer endlessly over everything that we can't change, for the very reason that we can't change those things, rather than direct our energies into what we CAN change.

There is a scene in one of the old movies, "Out of Africa", when Karen stands over Denys' grave and says "Now take back the soul of Denys George Finch Hatton, whom You have shared with us. He brought us joy...we loved him well. He was not ours. He was not mine."

Originally I was too stuck in the selfish view of life, and I only heard "poor woman, that man was never going to marry her, so yeah, he was not hers." But it was much bigger. That acceptance, that basic understanding, that none of this stuff, none of the people are ours, is the ticket to freedom from suffering, and, perhaps, a ticket back to faith. They and everything is "only" ours to love, and it is indeed "ours to love". It is our choice, our free will. If you love someone and "God takes" him or her, go and love some more, or stay stuck in pain for the rest of your life. Your choice.