I saw my T today and it was my second to last appt. I have one more on Wednesday. It feels like I emotionally ripped my heart out, put it on a silver platter and handed it to T to do as she wishes. Thankfully she is handling it with care.
My T asked me a few questions about ending therapy and what it meant to me and I was thankful I took the time to write this letter and put it all out there!
In short I wrote a 3 page letter telling her all of my thoughts and feelings about her and therapy from the moment I decided to call her until present time. What I've learned from her, what I learned for myself, what I'm going to continue to work on and my grief or sense of loss about ending therapy and what I'm thankful for.
I asked her if I should just hand her the letter to read on her own or should I read it to her. I was willing to do whatever she wanted and she preferred that I read it
. I must say it was of the most emotional times in my life ever. I cried through most of it and gave it to her to keep. She thanked me and said as she mentioned before that I write beautifully
and it is just one of my gifted talents
(that has never been said to me before other than once by an english professor in college about my writing and my T of course). She said she wants to read it later and think about what she wants to talk about in the letter during my next session.
A
few things I want to share with you all from my letter:
I feel like because this is the end of my therapy it seems only fitting that I get you something as a thank you for all the help you’ve given me. I was wracking my brain to think of something to give you that would be meaningful but found it hard to come up with something big enough that had equaled my appreciation for you so all I have to really give are these words on paper.
My lifetime has been spent craving a closeness that I've yet to experience in my real life. I often seek out friendships hoping that this will be 'the one'. The one close relationship that will give me a feeling of belonging a feeling of being home. A feeling of kinship. A feeling of knowing that person has your back no matter what. I feel like in many ways I've gotten that here and that's why this good bye is so painful. I have to yet again let go of what I emotionally thought could be real or long lasting as unrealistic as that sounds based on this type of arrangement. I hope to get that inner peace from within someday that I have been looking for, for so long. I'm building on my inner peace slowly and I thank you for letting me 'rest here' for a while so I could start the process of healing myself, healing my heart.
I wake up every day and go to bed every night thankful that I got to have you in my life (as brief as it feels) and there are many moments in between where I try to think about what you would say to me in certain situations.
I felt loved and cared for by you and that was the incentive for me to change myself for the better. I wanted you to be proud of me. The only other person who ever made me feel that way was my grandmother only the difference is I get to say my goodbye's to you.
Some of the things I've learned from my time spent with you:
· I am worth being and feeling loved.
· I can and should have desires/wants.
· What happened in my past doesn't have to rule my future or the here and now.
· Life is about balance.
· I can set parameters for what I want in my life, what is healthy and what defines me.
Some of the things that are ongoing and that I'm going to continue from here on after:
· I am going to continue to set and achieve goals for a new career..........perhaps a therapist down the road (something I thought I would never say but I guess you have influenced me just a little :-).
· I am not a bad mom.
· Don't stuff it down with food but talk about it.
· Try to stop reverting back to the little girl when the sense of emotional discomfort arises (no more running and hiding).
A few coping mementos:
I have my little things for coping: an old voice mail or two, the scent of this room, my memory of your smile and great hair, my kayak, and my rocks that I get to bring home. J
There are going to be times that I bump into you as we live in a small town as I have bumped into you in the past. I know beyond a wave and a smile there isn't much to 'talk about' other than perhaps the weather (I'll drop a note from time to time if I have some good news to share to let you know how I'm doing - that is if it's permissible). I want you to know that behind every wave and smile is a heartfelt thank you and appreciation for helping me not only cope but helping me start my 'new life' my 'new self' my ‘new chapter’ in life. And even when I don't bump into you I'll be thinking of you and perhaps rereading my list of accomplishments or lessons in therapy to guide me whenever I feel lost. In my quiet moments and on the water I will reflect and think about you and what you would say to me. I'll never forget you as you have been such a huge part of my life and my families and for that I will be forever thankful. I will carry in my heart and in my mind what you have taught me always.
PS.....you are a great mom ( I remember seeing you at the store one time and I even bumped into you but I never said anything - you were helping your daughter get papers ready for school – your daughters probably know they are loved and feel that from you) and though you may dread bumping into people at the gym you look great in gym clothes. Just an fyi the Christmas sweater you wore that one time was hilarious! :-)
Therapist or not I love you but you already know that. Thank you for helping me find myself.
With Heart Felt Thanks,
- geez
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After reading this....T said to me that this letter and these words are a perfect gift.