Thank you for sharing such tenderness and sensitivity. You have no idea what a healing experience you have given me.

I agree with others. Jessica would not be mad at you.

Imagine, it was you that died, not Jessica. Imagine yourself looking at her tear-streaked face and imagine what you are wishing most for. Would you want Jessica to spend her days in guilt, pain and misery for the rest of her life? Never! You would have to hate her to wish such upon her. You would want your beloved to be able to find peace and joy again, to live again, to stop suffering. Trust then. Trust Jessica's love for you, trust that she wants you to be happy. Trust that, that was her heart's dying wish. Trust that is she could have, she would have guided Mandy to you, when you were ready, so that you may live again. Wouldn't you have done that for her?

You loved Jessica well, now learn to love Mandy well. It is not a betrayal. Your heart is large enough to love BOTH.

And it's ok to cry, for your lost beloved, when the tears well up, let them flow and let them pass and then bring yourself back into the present, back into being with Mandy.

And as to the physical pain Mandy experienced; it's quite common when woman did not have sex in a long time. Lubricant is a friend, and eventually her muscles will learn to relax and accomodate you. Meanwhile make sure you continue to communicate openly, make sure she knows you want to know if what you are doing gives her pleasure or discomfort, that your feelings will not be hurt, that she can trust you, and you can trust her.

Hugs and best wishes to you.