Well, not really. I mean, the fact of the matter is - my T DID NOT take a 2x4 to my heart. It just felt that way. All those details were shared in the thread, "Visualize This". There's something about a deeply visceral reaction that evokes that kind of imagery. My T is a great person. All the problems stem from me and I have to find the courage to face them. So actually, although it seems like I'm facing a 2x4 today, in reality I'm facing my own demons.

I have put together a long letter to read to T today. I could not have written this without all the supportive comments I have received from all of you. Without you taking the time to offer such insightful opinions, I would have still been securely stuck in my avoidance mind-set. I wish I could have each of your addresses so I could send you each a check for your help because you have offered to me what my T offers and I've been able to leap weeks ahead in progress because of all of you who spent the time and energy in thinking about my situation. I give you my heartfelt gratitude.

The letter is long. I advise you against reading it because it just covers the same territory that i've blabbered on about for a week on this forum. The reason I'm posting it is so that it becomes a commitment for me. Somehow or another, by sharing it here, it feels like I'm making a promise to follow through and indeed read this to my T in 3 1/2 hours.

"Dear T,
This past week has been very challenging for me as I’ve tried to figure out how to approach our session today. I’ve had so many conflicting thoughts and emotions that I’ve sometimes felt like giving up. There is a lot lot going on between us and I’ve considered different ways of dealing with it. They include: 1.quitting therapy (overtly running away)
2. using my well-reheased avoidance tactics (I’m good at that) or 3. Facing the issues head-on (I hadn’t seriously considered that this was a real option until the past few hours).

As you already know I have a lot of fear when it comes to anything that looks like confrontation and could result in me ‘getting into trouble’. My life has been ruled by those feelings, I’m just now discovering because they’re now getting played out in ‘living color’ with you. I guess you could say then that therapy is working except I’m still scared and I still don’t know how to control my emotions.

Why am I scared now? I believe there is more than one reason. First of all, I’m worried you’ll get mad at me. I’ve experienced that from you before so it’s a valid concern. I also don’t want to be seen as criticizing you but what I’ll be voicing will seem like/be criticisms. I don’t want to hurt your feelings and I know these are my issues and you’re not responsible for them. But if I say things that I believe might be hurtful, I am doing something that I don’t like to do. I am very sensitive to other people’s feelings. And I’m scared that once I am completely honest with you, you will have no choice but to finally agree with me that I’m bad. You haven’t met all the bad parts of me and so you have been able to honestly disagree with me of my self-perception of but once I let you in to see the muck, I won’t have my mask to hide behind anymore. And what will you do – you will try hard to contain any expression of disgust or dislike but your true response to all this may not be able to be hidden well. So, yes, I’m terrified.

I desperately don’t want to talk to you about these things. I really really am feeling a lot of fear, almost panic right now. I had thought that I would come into session today and just let it lead where it may but I believe that my natural instinct to avoid would take over any good intentions I may have had to share freely with you if I just let the session go where it goes.

I want to trust. I was getting close to dropping my guard and then the cumulative effects of a few things has jeopardized that trust quite a bit. So, at the terrible risk of our relationship being destroyed by talking now, I figure it’s better to get it over with now instead of dragging it on for weeks or months. Yes, it feels like I’m jumping off the cliff and I have no idea where I’ll be landing.

Therefore, I’ve written this up so that I can stay on task. The advantage of me writing is that I have a better chance of covering everything that I want to share without the risk of forgetting so much or getting off track or getting so emotional that I can’t continue.

I understand the downside of reading to you instead of speaking – I may dissociate which will allow me to continue talking but also allows me to keep the painful emotions from penetrating too much. But, I think getting this out in the open is worth any detachment I may engage in in order to be able to share this with you.. I think I may want to leave as soon as I finish reading – it may take up the whole session but, if not, I count on you to help me stay. I think I will really be feeling a strong flight response.

There are 4 issues I want to tell you about. This first is about the light going on last week and how it triggered me. There was more than one thing going on. As I had told you the other times that that happened, it really rattles me when the light goes on. It feels like an intruder has barged in and stopped our session. I see every minute of time here as extremely valuable and it felt like that my time was stolen from me. And it made me mad and you saw that in me. You even said, “I’ve never seen you like this before”. Yes, now you’re getting the chance to see that part of me that I don’t want. I don’t want to be a selfish person but I have to face the fact that I am.

But, it went further than just that guy interrupting the session. It was like you hadn’t taken steps to protect our time together. I had told you previously that it bothered me but you basically said that there was nothing you could do about it. I can’t understand that because you explain boundaries so well to me, why couldn’t you do that with him? So, I defaulted into some nasty sarcasm and for that I’m deeply sorry. I hate that I reacted that way. I hate that I take things so personally.

The second issue is about the iPod incident. I keep thinking that I’m over that. You explained it so well and I thought I had accepted it but it keeps popping up so obviously I’m not over it. I guess to me it means that indeed I am too much for you. If something minor like me listening to music for a few seconds at the beginning of a session would make you mad, how can I trust that you’ll not get mad again when I throw worse stuff at you? That look on your face when you were annoyed with me sticks in my memory and keeps me from moving forward. I don’t know how to move past this. I need help.

The third issue is one we’ve talked about a lot. It’s the adding of restrictions on phone calls with you. I agree with you that I should not have been calling and that I shouldn’t impulsively call you when I’m feeling a strong emotion. Regulating ‘affect’ is what that’s called. I guess when something meaningful is happening to me emotionally, I just felt the need to let you know. But, as you pointed out, just wait until session to share. I guess I thought I’d forget or the emotion would be gone by then.

Anyways, none of my reasoning about that is important now because I do see your position. But what is problematic still is how to contain and manage my emotions when I receive news that feels hurtful to me. I will avoid doing things now because I don’t want to experience those extremely painful emotions. I just don’t know how to gladly and willingly take risks that would expose me to that kind of hurt.

This 4th issue is one I don’t want you to respond to. It will be too difficult right now for me to hear your explanation or to feel like I’ve made you defend yourself. That is not my intention at all. I just want you to be aware of my feelings about it. First off, let me tell you that I think you probably undercharge for your services. You offer a lot and I value your expertise and your knowledge and your compassion. So, what I’m bringing up now really isn’t about money even though it looks like it.

When I was on my trip I wanted to be able to feel free to contact you and I suggested that we consider it like a traveling session. By that way I might not feel as inhibited contacting you. I gave you $80.00 before I left and then mailed you a check for another $80.00. $160.00 total. By the end of my trip I was feeling horrible, as you know, about the 6 letters I mailed you and the phone calls. We left each other messages(btw, the messages you left on my phone were very very helpful and I am grateful for them) and we had one conversation. But when you told me I owed you another $40.00, it felt like being punched in the stomach. To me it was confirmation of what a pain in the butt I am and it made me sick just thinking about it. I guess our mistake is not having it clearly stated what kind of charges I should expect and when my expectations do not match reality, I am going to take it personally and will feel bad. And that’s what’s happened with this.

I had planned to bring extra cash today to pay you for the 2 phone calls I made last week. But I decided against it until I know for sure what your charges are. Right now, though, I don’t want to hear about them. Maybe we can discuss it another session when I’m better prepared to hear you.

So, there you have it – all out in the open. Can I leave now?"