Hi Wysteria,

Of course i don't mind you sharing your thoughts/impressions with me. You are right about the "shaming" part. I do have a very hard time accepting that i have this needy child side of me. I honestly didn't know i did have a part like that until a few years ago after i had a serious clinical depression. After that, it just seemed to appear, and it carries a ton of pain.

While my t has encouraged me to be inquisitive and kind toward this hurt child part of me, I find that when I (adult me) try to open up to it, i soon become filled with intense, painful emotions that are nearly beyond my ability (adult me) to tolerate. So rather than being very effective in being able to help/nurture/rescue my child part, i end up wanting to run away from it because i feel very overwhelmed by it. Most of the time, i am not too aware of it and sort of numb to it. But when i try to lean in closer to observe or listen, or open up in any way to it, it's like a destructive wave of pain. Honestly, at times when i've got in touch with this child side of me's pain, it has caused crying jags that leave me dazed and exhausted, sometimes for 1-2 days afterward. The odd thing is, i usually don't know why i am crying so hard, or what the pain is about. I don't often see it coming either. I can be feeling all adult and strong and not the least bit childish or needy, and then BAM!! something happens to trigger me and i'm a mess.

This happened last Saturday when i was attending a Bible talk. It happened to be about the subject "Are You Personally Important to God?" When the speaker started talking about how some of us have had bad things happen to us in the past, hurts and losses, and how they can make us feel unworthy and hate ourselves, etc., i started crying and could not stop at all through the entire 30-minute talk. I don't know why it happened. It just came in a huge rush. I was so afraid that others would notice and ask me afterward what was wrong. Thankfully they didn't. Because i don't know what i would have told them.

My guess is that, at my core, i feel worthless and unimportant. Well, i know i do. But i'm usually not in touch with those feelings. I think of them as coming from my child side.

The reason why i have trouble with accepting this part of me is because it is so "not" like an adult! When i get triggered into that mode (it usually only happens if something triggers me, like that talk). . .I feel every bit like a small, hurting, desolate, abandoned little girl. Sometimes i even think that i get a sense of an infant, where the pain is the type that comes on so strong that you cry so hard you can't get a breath. . .but are unable to speak or formulate what it is you are grieving about.

I try desperately not to let anybody see me in a moment like that. I have a thing about being competent and capable on the outside, and not seeming like i have any problems or need anybody. But with my t, i've always hoped that i could show that side of me, and get help for it. It hurt me to show that part of me and then get told that i'm an adult and need to be treated like one. It felt to me as if she had been coaxing it out with kind words and acceptance, only to tell me that i should not be that way. So it just reinforced my feeling that it was already bad and embarrassing and wrong.

But. . .i think i get what you are telling me. . .that maybe she wasn't discounting the child part of me. . . just saying that since i am physically an adult, we have to find some adult way to help that child part. Or maybe saying that the child needs are OK, but she can't always meet them. I dunno. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

I have practiced quite a bit with self-soothing, and find that where i used to stink at it, i can sometimes soothe a hurting child part. It depends, though, on how strong the trigger is, and how strong the pain coming from that part is. Too much. . .and it shuts me (adult me) down. I really honestly do not think that i am sitting on my laurels just wanting my t to nurture and take care of my hurt child parts. But i feel that my own efforts do not always satisfy the needs, or calm the pain. The thought of being soothed by her is much more comforting. Maybe also there is a part of me that thinks, "As a child, i had to face all kinds of pain and problems alone without any comfort. . .why do i have to do the same again now? Why is it wrong to want my t to comfort me?" I don't want to have to face all that old pain alone. I guess i don't always understand what kind of help or soothing is OK to get from my t, and what has to come from inside me. I also don't know why the hurt child part wants comfort from t and not from me.

Thanks for the book and video recommendation. I'll look into that!