Hi, I'm not exactly sure how to begin posting so I thought I would introduce myself first. I've been lurking around here for a while and finally got up the nerve. I don't know how much to share. I'm a female, 21, and sought out a website like this because it's been almost two years since I last remember being me. I know I can't officially declare myself depressed (little thing missing called a degree) but I've read enough books and talked to enough people to recognize symptoms in myself. I've been able to handle it up until now. Now I just don't know what to do and can't afford to seek professional help.

I don't recognize me or my life anymore. Thirteen months ago I was doing okay, I had bouts of "depression" stemming from the fallout of a relationship and a physical attack in the summer of '02 but I was able to handle it. I was single, I had a great full-time job, I was going to college full-time, I had my own place, I was independent and making my own way. Ever since I was laid off after the business closed, however, things have just seemed to go downhill. Now I'm only working part-time, I'm married (still not quite sure how that happened if you can believe it), and I'm not in college anymore because I have enough trouble making the bills now, no way can I afford tuition.

I just feel like the world's biggest loser because I can't even find a decent full-time job. All of my friends are going to college and I don't know if I will ever get to return when college is the one thing I have always dreamed about. I was the first person in my family to start college, I wanted to be the first to finish too. I just feel...stalled. Every day is the same and I'm not working towards something, I'm just punching the clock in hopes of putting a dent in our bills.

I've only been married for four months. I know I got married too fast and too young. I had doubts before the marriage but everytime I put voice to them I got told it was only coldfeet and everything would be fine. It's not, but that's a whole other story. I love my husband but he has no ambition so he couldn't care less about mine. Whenever I try to talk to him about college or the future in general he just gives me the proverbial pat on the head. I feel like a cliche saying my husband doesn't listen to me but he doesn't. There is no one else I can talk to. The few friends I have are busy with their own lives and my parents...ha.

Lately...lately everything has been taking it's toll on my physically as well. I can't eat anymore and I used to love food. I've lost 10 pounds in a month. I either can't sleep or can't get enough sleep. I don't have any energy. I used to be big into photography. Not only was it my major in college but I have been taking pictures since I was three-years-old. I wouldn't go anywhere without my camera. I loved just taking it out and going for a walk in the woods or around the neighborhood. Now, I can't remember the last time I held my camera. I've also been having chest pains that a doctor I saw for an annual checkup at a women's clinic said were anxiety attacks and just told me to start relaxing and taking it easy. I've also been thinking about "ways out" but don't think I'm of any real danger to myself because I would have done it sooner. I'm too big of a coward to follow through on something like that.

Wow, I really didn't mean to type so much but I guess I needed to get some of that off my chest. I just hate feeling this way...I thought it might help to hear from others who may feel the same and how you are dealing with it, maybe get advice it anyone has some to share . If you got this far, thank you for reading.

Have a good week, everyone.