I had my first major depressive episode in 10 years last Fall.I was taken out of work for 5 months that seem now
like only a few weeks. My monthly/semi-monthly pdoc appointments resulted in adding a new med or uppping a current med to the point I am now taking 6 meds total. I've never felt like "myself" during this time, and am positive I am severely over-medicated but at least the constant crying has stopped.

I went to a T. who was recommended to me as an expert on anxiety issues but who was more harm than help.

Due to the new meds added (most specifically Wellbutrin which was a nightmare to get used to) I had a period of time where I lost my balance, began speaking backwards and had to stop and use every ounce of concentraton to think hard about the next word to use. I was put on driving restrictions.

In the past, my depressive episodes would hit, I kept taking my regular meds then one day would just snap out of it unexplainedly. Since my new "cocktail" I function more or less better than the beginning of this new episode, but I'm not the "real me."

Three weeks ago I was released back to work on light duty (4 hours a day). I now have the raging symptoms of the flu - would I have gotten it anyway, or are they more side effects of the meds.? I find myself at work doing very simple work (filing) but sometimes stare at a form before I can decide what to do with it. I'm also experiencing intermittent bout of dizzness that sweeps over me like waves of naseau.

I want off these additional meds. I'd much rather have intermittent depression than these awful side effects. pdoc has strongly suggested several times I not return to this particular job because it exacerbates my illness.

But what about insurance, a bit of income? My mother has offered to help until I can get this straightened out, but over the past 10 years she has dealt with her alzheimer's father in a nursing home, her mother who became ill 6 months after losing her husband and ended up dying from sepsis, shortly thereafter the loss of her step-son-in-law from medical malpractice and most recently her 49 year-old step-son from liver malfunction. Then dealing with my illnesses off and off since I was 35. I truly don't want to add more stress to her life when this is he time she deserves to have some peace for herself.

Refills of some meds I need are waiting for me at my pharmacy but I am too ill (from the effects of the flu) to take a shower, deal wth my hair and go get them.

I know so many of you deal with issues much, much more serious than these.

I truly want to resign my job, sell most everything I own (I don't even know how to go about that) and move into one room if I have to.

I have faith that things will eventually get better, but right now, I am exhausted, naseous, have a raging headache and really wish I could fall asleep and not wake up.

I did call my pdoc yesterday to check out some of my recent symptoms, primarily the dizzness. The "gravel gertie" assistant who used to relay this type of info to pdoc now just puts me into his voice mail and I never hear back.

I am absolutely convinced that two many meds have put me into this condition.

Azalysa