Sorry if this is long - I have never told anyone about this as I am too ashamed. This is the first time I’m talking about it in some form outside of my head. I don’t know what to do.

Ok so basically I’ve been having these unwanted sexual thoughts since I was quite young and they have ruined half my life. I thought until a few days ago that I was the only one with this and I didn’t know that it’s OCD. I always assumed that my brain was faulty or messed up unlike everyone else.

So yeh I’ve ALWAYS hated these thoughts, they’ve made me think about ending it so many times. I have unwanted sexual thoughts about everyone even relations and different ages, it makes me feel sick to my stomach every single thought, and the more I try to stop thinking about it , the more messed up they become. I sometimes think that no one in the world is as messed up as me and has thought the horrible things I have. My only comfort is that I have NEVER enjoyed any of these thoughts, I’ve hated every single one and I know I would NEVER ever act on them, because I know that’s not who I am .

I know these are just thoughts but it’s ruined half my life. I lose motivation because I feel like I’m a messed up piece of dirt and don’t deserve anything so I end up not doing anything productive.

Even when I’m not having these thoughts (can have weeks and months without them) I find some other anxieties (I have social anxiety as well) or some other worry to ruin my happiness. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me.

The majority of these thoughts are phrases I seem to repeat that disturb me deeply, not really images; I would say 95%words - 5% images. I’ve always been a worrier but can’t stop the anxiety, they seem to be the things that I hate most and disturb me most about society, but I make them worse.

I want to be normal , the sheer fact that this has even happened in my brain makes me want to die allot of the time.

I could never tell my family or friends, I doubt they would understand – they would hear the horrible thoughts and think I was some kind of evil monster even though I have never( or will never) had the urge, want or intention to do any of these things, and they repulse me to my very core. A lot of these messed up things start from ideas from TV or news and I repeat them and make them 10x worse. I WOULD NEVER DO THESE THINGS – and don’t have the desire but these thoughts still come bringing more anxiety and self hatred.

I don’t know if I can ever be ‘normal’ . One other thing – I’m not particularly religious (even though I prayed so much when I was younger for god to take these thoughts away) but karma is- thoughts and actions you do that reflects on your next lives and stuff (I know what it is i just haven’t explained it well lo)l- I hope these thoughts don’t count because they are not wanted, and I hate every single one , so i duno if it counts. I don’t think I’m some kind of crazed sex nut cuz I’ve never like these things , once you let doubt and the possibility of doubt in that makes things a whole lot worse

I’m sorry this was so long- I doubt anyone will even read/bother replying i just need help, and I don’t know what to do