Well... he originally wanted to keep the whole thing as private as possible. I was the one who told people, I told my close friends while I was up there. He told his best friend. Someone may have overheard something... pretty soon the whole town knows. That's how it is in a place like that. I don't know why it was getting discussed yesterday. He has told me that people will come up to him and say, hey, I'm sorry to hear what happened... I don't really think he's been broadcasting it or telling everyone who will listen, but I do think that now that people know, he isn't holding back discussing it with them.
Yesterday was just such a horrible day... shortly after that text conversation above I shut off my phone, which I never ever do. It was so nice though. I wasn't listening for the little ring it makes when I get a text message. I wasn't checking it every 2 minutes in case I missed the little ring. I may have to do that some more. I'm trying to decide on cutting off contact, maybe just for a week or something. I told him I'd sleep on it. I don't want to - I love talking to him, even just texting about stupid stuff on and off throughout the day. He's still my best friend and the only person I do that with. But, I know I can't go on living the way I was feeling yesterday. I've got a little boy who needs his mom to be there for him. (Cute aside: There was a note on one of his homework pages last night from his teacher that I didn't understand: "Please review test phonograms," and it was the final straw for me. I burst into tears. Oliver comes in and says, "Mom, what's wrong?" I say, "I don't know what test phonograms are." He says, "It's okay. You're alright, don't cry, you're okay, it's okay. Practice makes perfect. That's what my teacher says. We can ask my teacher." He is so freakin' cute and sweet. And smart. I took his advice and sent his teacher an email and asked her what "test phonograms" are and she responded, problem solved.) Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to make things better with my bf, and I know that it's going to involve a lot of pain for me, that's just consequences of a bad decision, but just how much pain am I supposed to endure? And does it matter how much I'm "supposed" to endure? Because if I can't take it, I can't take it. I guess I oughta post the rest of the text conversation cause it got better - don't want to make him look worse than he is. You can read this from the top down.
Quote:
Him: It isn't so much what they said as to how they reacted. It was as though it was expected or bound to happen to me at some point in our relationship. Just as I am seen as a drunk by a lot in this town you have a past as someone who was "easy". It is what it is. I just thought it was your past. Again, I realised I am nothing special. It is somewhat of an ego check I call it. Moving on for the moment, what made today so miserable for you?
Me: Can I ask who it is. that is reacting that way? I understand I earned myself a reputation but I had moved away from that lifestyle over the last 4-5 years and I'd like to believe that at least the people I'm close to would have recognized that. I pissed off one of the.neighbors and I'm afraid it may have been Andy by leaving Java chasing us in the street as I took Oliver to school. He called animal services and they gave me a ticket and I had to leave work to come put her inside. I spent a good portion of my day fighting with the collection agency. And... rental stuff you don't want to hear.
Him:
Share the rental stuff and Java troubles with your sister since she left you caring for both of them. When I am there I will have more support for that and will help you but here I can not do much and texting me will not help you. As for people who know & do not seemed surprised, you do not want to know.
Me:
I've already shared with her. She's going to pay the ticket and is sending Steve over to fix the fence. Telling you helps me... or at least it would if you weren't so angry with me. I do want to know who it is now. Now I really want to know. Shouldn't I be able to make the call as to whether they still deserve my friendship, if they are friends of mine?
Him:
Normally I would want to hear you & in the past I would give advice but today just isn't the day due to the current mood I am in and the fact I am at work. I will tell you that Naomi isn't one of them. I plan to talk to Marg this weekend to see what she says about the whole mess.
Me:
Aren't you supposed to be off today? I will just assume it is everyone except for Naomi. goodbye Cortni, goodbye Matty, goodbye Seal.
Him:
I am working for someone else. Don't go saying goodbye to everyone. It wasn't so much what they said as they unshocked by it they appeared.
Me:
Okay. I know it's entirely possible that you're misreading their reactions and I probably shouldn't care anyway, but it's just adding insult to injury today. I'm so hurt, anxious, and confused that I cannot handle any extra pain. I'm done caring about anyone in that gossipy, incestuous little town anymore, present company excluded. **** em. **** em all. My phone is going off for the rest of the evening before I say something else I'll regret.
Him:
I will get verbal reactions for you to determine if you want to keep friendships or not.
Him:
Have a goodnight. I love you still, Gina. I'm not sure if you believe love is a powerful motivator but I do. It is the force behind what I have done for you & how I've been able to not leave you since your unfaithful behavior. If you want time off from me tell me & you will not hear a word from me until I hear from you.
Him:
I have asked for more explanation from people & have learned some things. In some cases, my reading of their tone & their expression didn't match their dismay and shock. Does that help? Goodnight. I suppose your phone is off. Never the less, I love you.
Me:
I had to turn my phone back on because it is my alarm for the morning. It was nice having it off though. I feel slightly better, though that may just be the drugs. I don't know what to say about these. you are tallking about. It's running through my mind. There aren't that many people there who know me well enough to be talking about me in such detail so I can really only assume it is those few. I do wish you'd tell me though, as I will continue to wonder. Love is also a powerful motivator for me. I would have given up a long time ago had it not been for love. I wouldn't be working so hard at earning your forgiveness and trust back. I wouldn't keep reading your heartbreaking emails and texts. Goodnight. I love you too.
Me:
I will sleep on whether I need a break from contact with you. It just gets so damn painful at times. I feel I'm losing my mind. So perhaps a break would be good. But I don't know. I sure love talking with you when things are going okay.
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I'm pretty confused. I don't know what I can reasonably expect of him; I don't know what he can reasonably expect from me. I'm scared of telling him certain things - important things like the answers I'm coming up with for the reasons for cheating, because they involve our relationship (duh) but he gets so hurt and angry when I even sort of bring our relationship into explaining it. I'm afraid of telling him how I really feel about him traveling. I did. I did tell him both of those things in an email night before last and I think that may be why, or partly why, he was so upset yesterday.
If anyone's made it this far... should I cut off contact with him for a week? That's what I'm considering. Just one week because longer than that is just too long.