Hey Tigergirl,

You're very welcome..wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it...I can be kind of blunt I'm afraid....but I don't lie nor say stuff I don't mean.

It was ok. He wants me to go back this afternoon and of course my mind is in overdrive and been having bad nightmares that are linking to old nightmares. Not helping... Now of course feel awkward... and stupid... and embarrassed...

I went and got a short massage to see if I could stand to be touched. It was really hard to go, and I was all in knots and jumpy...shouldn't have tried it. Don't know where that bright idea came from. I don't get them but 2 or 3 times a year (massages not ideas unfortunately..lol). I just thought if I could replace a bad memory with a good one... I don't know what I was thinking..

I feel naked. Does that make sense? Kind of like last weekend made me feel my vulnerability and powerlessness again, and then visit with T did it again on Tuesday, but on the inside and when I thought my walls were back up..and now I'm all skittishery...there's your technical term for the day...lol

Still feel like somthing has "broken" inside me. Don't have a clue what it is or how to fix it.. It's just broke, even from before the hospital.

Sorry...rambling...nervous about appt today. Trying to do some bookeeping and keep making idiotic mistakes. Want to jump out of my skin. Don't even know if he talked to pdoc against my wishes or not...

Talked to on-line therapist the other night because it gets so incredibly hard to keep bad thoughts out at night...I was digging holes and planting bushes at 10:30 last night...just glad I didn't hit the gas line to the house, which would have been fun to explain...

This sucks. I'm such a Wendy-whiner. Sorry.
Got to finish these stupid reconciliations and stuff...
Take care and see you around.. Thanks for asking after me..
Wish me luck this afternoon that I don't either go flying away or turn into a burbling crackpot.
I probably ought to call him and warn him to wear a helmet.


WB