Thank you Roman Sunburn, I have a feeling you are right as well about it being a siezure issue. I know it is causing me to be depressed and I didn't even see the seizure. He was there for all 3 and it scared the heck out of him. Coming back from the first one he was in tears (full blown) over me yelling my name, it took him about 10 minutes after I woke up to fully stop crying and even after that for a couple of days it got to him. Every time he would look at me I could tell he was freaking out not knowing what to do. It's hard. I myself don't know what to do. I haven't even found out why I had them, the doctors wont see me since I don't have insurance so he and I are both lost as to what to do about it. We just sit and wait and hope it doesn't happen again.

I understand his concern, I just wish it wasn't this way. Things are difficult enough having to stress about these seizures, well having to try not to stress about them actually. But I've lost my license for 3 years, I don't go anywhere any more, I'm afraid to be alone now, I'm even afraid to shower. It seems to be changing my life and it's so hard, I'm sure it's hard for him. So I just don't know what to do. If it's hard enough on him for him to be angry with me, I don't know what to do about it. I can't stop them, I'm suffering from them just as much as he is suffering watching me go through them.

I've tried to write him a letter before during a disagreement hoping he would see my side from the letter. It was a big mistake. We write eachother love letters all the time. He will come up to my work just to drop off a little letter he wrote for me with really nice things in it and I do the same. I am always writing love letters and I guess the day I gave him the letter about our argument, even though I tried my hardest to be as nice as possible about it, he was thrown because he expected it to be a love letter and it made things worse. I have thought about writing it out numerous times. I just don't want to make him more angry. I do want to talk to him about it, I don't want this to cause us to leave eachother....

One thing that I left out in relation to the seizures... The first night, the night he cried... I had a grand mal seizure. I came to with everyone standing over me checking my pulse thinking I had died. About an hour before hand I did something completely idiotic. I figured, having schizophrenia I could handle it and having Multiple Personality Disorder, I thought it would help me to uncover some of my memories I had lost from my past, as I have read it does... (It being psychadelic mushrooms)... I didn't even eat the full chocolate (it was inside of a reeses cup chocolate) I only ate about 3/4 of it and everyone else ate 1-4. Well I didn't want to do it. I had an anxiety attack when I put it in my mouth to eat it and immediately spit it out. I must admit as well, although I wont tell him this, that the reason I ended up taking it after the anxiety attack was because I was worried about everyone else. They had all taken it and were trying to convince me to. I still was going to say no but I could tell my boyfriend wanted me to experience it with him, he had done it many times before and up until that day I had wanted to try them. I knew he wanted me to try it with him and could tell it was effecting his mood that I wasn't so I sucked it up and ate the mushroom. He keeps saying, and has since that night that it was his fault. He feels like he pressured me. It's my fault, I decided to do it knowing I was afraid. I did it for him but I did it. He didn't force me. I've never told him it was his fault and continue to tell him that I did it on my own, it's not his fault at all. But I think he can tell he's the reason I ate it.

The emergency room doctor as well as the neurologist said that it most likely was not due to the mushrooms. But still they refused to give me an MRI to find out why, if not the mushrooms, it happened. Needless to say, if they caused them or not, I will never experiment with those or anything like those again.

Maybe it's his guilt over that night that is getting to him? So why get mad at me? I guess I can see how subconsciously he could get mad at me, maybe he thinks I'm not being strong enough? He's said that before "You have to be stronger, you have to fight it". He doesn't get that I fight it a lot, and as much as I can but sometimes I can't stop it. Sometimes I can so who knows what it is. I wish a doctor would talk to me.

I told him during the argument last night, after he accused me of not letting him live his drum life, that I felt like he was blaming me for not playing drums because he was mad at me and it wasn't my fault but he was still blaming me. He thought about it for a minute and admitted he didn't see it that way before but it was true... How can I fight a battle when I've done nothing wrong and it seems that I can't win when I'm being attacked for things I haven't even done.