Argh . . . I don't know what I did, but I lost my reply so I will reconstruct. Perhaps I can use fewer words this time!

I want to say first that I really enjoy the playful and humorous and insightful way you look at therapy issues.

I totally understand how your T's disclosure was helpful to you. I think it is amazing that you were so on top of your needs that you could ask for it, and could ask for what you needed and could then observe the impact of getting what you need.

You are right, I study my T. I believe that's an automatic reaction for me, at least with men. Sometimes I have to look away, typically when I'm discussing something hard or saying something where I want to avoid the kind and empathic look on his face. But when he talks, I always look at him. Nonverbal communication specialists will tell you that it is a female/submissive response to look at someone while they are talking to you, but to look away when you are talking to them. I don't feel it's submissive on my part but just based on that good ole instinct to survive. If you think that someone might hurt you, you're going to be on top of reading the signals of danger so you can *poof* escape. Or not.

When I hear you say that your mother used to laugh that you were so easily fooled, I relate to that from a place where all children, no matter how intelligent, can be easily fooled. Because they trust their parents with their feelings. They trust that the feelings their parents give to them are authentic. When parents "fool" their kids, kids learn that they can't trust their instincts about how their parents are feeling. My father was a master at getting me to avoid my natural responses to reading him and his emotions. Come here, I want to hug you. Naw, he seems angry. Using his gentle voice, opens his arms. I go. I do not get what I think I will.

Maybe you could infer from this experience, I am vigilant. It is just so tough for me to let down my fences even though I really feel pretty open and trusting and I think I'm getting stuff done. I am not sure that it is inconsistent (the "it" being my fences) with being able to share and be open with my T. I think that my vigilance is as much a part of me as my arms and my legs. I don't know that I ever could let it go in the context of therapy, I don't know that I would want to, I'm not sure that my vigilance in terms of my reading of what's going on with my T is something that would be useful for me to be able to do. And although I might be vigilant, I still get fooled.

I don't agree that I'm trying to "fix" my T when he self discloses or that I want him to self disclose so I can fix him. He's really pretty well put together, he radiates a sense of deep contentment with his marriage and his life. I think maybe you didn't quite hear me when I said that I thought that his self disclosures, like your T's disclosure today, were actually useful in getting me to drop my fences.

Anne