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Originally Posted by granite1
this is crazy!!i cant sleep.i looked up mindfulness and didn't find anything much i understood about it.it does involve DBT and that is solely for BPD.something i was diagnosed with at around 18.it was way before DBT and people just hated me and so on.i spent most of my adult life ignoring those days and trying to change my reactions and tone things down so people wouldn't hate me so much.when i first saw this T she said she didn't think BPD may be the case at all but she wasn't sure.i liked this no labels etc.i felt if she didn't think BPD that there was a chance she may like me and care about me and not just think i was a hopeless job or something like this and now i read about this and all and know she does believe i have BPD i history shows that people hate that even T's.i just feel like if she is going to treat me on this level it is the beginning of the end.you see if i didn't talk to her she couldn't hate me.
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I so understand not wanting to talk to T because if we don't talk they can't really know how 'bad' we are. That is a real and honest fear. I have the same fear - an irrational belief that T will hate me and get rid of me once she knows me. Even when she keeps telling me that that won't happen, the fear overwhelms the rational brain.
But, Granite, like you, I am finding that taking baby steps in trust is paying off. Every time I say one more thing and let T see another part of me and she STILL doesn't get rid of me, is helping me trust that maybe really she won't.
It's scary, I know. It's really really scary. Putting your trust out there, even a little bit can seem impossible. But, the fact is, you already have some trust. You wouldn't keep returning to your T if you had no trust at all. Same with me. There's a huge part of me that believes her and that's why I continue to go back. And the same with you. There is that place deep inside that 'knows' you can trust.
It may not be that helpful to do independent research on mindfulness. You will come across too many words and too many explanations. Maybe just wait and see what your T brings up.
I wasn't able to do the first exercise that she tried with me. All it involved was to pay attention to what physical sensations my hand was feeling. That's all. I told T, 'I can't do this.' And, you might say I failed but in reality I did not fail because I did listen to her and I did try. And I'll try some more. And as everyone has pointed out here, there are no failures with mindfulness. It just requires a bit of an open mind and some practice.
It is not the beginning of the end. It's the beginning of the beginning.
