Well, I haven't started yet--my appointment's tomorrow.

When I was in high school, I kept thinking that I was going to end up on a shrink's couch for the rest of my life, with the way things were. But I got older, and things settled some.

Then last year, I swore I'd go so that I could understand an aspect of myself. I had troubles finding someone, etc. (I did this time, too), and eventually, I just thought that maybe this was a good thing--maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

That was about understanding, and that was it. I just wanted someone to explain it, to put a name on it, so it would make sense to me (I'd already thought it to death for years). But I figured most psychs wouldn't want to just label something and not actually deal with it, as if they're just a botanist identifying a species of tree. So I figured it wouldn't work. I had no plans to change that aspect, and I still don't. My goal is to keep it out of the process when I go, but I'm sure I won't succeed.

This time around, I don't know...Things haven't been brilliant for maybe a year or two now. I've just been sort of lonely, out of it, messing up at work more...I have no idea. And one day, I was crying on a smoke break and suddenly wondered if it wasn't depression or something. But deciding to do it wasn't actually hard. The process of finding someone and maybe the process itself once I'm there, those are different. But you know, I've just been going it alone for 30 years, and I keep thinking it'd be nice if it could be better. I can't do it myself--if I could, I already would have. Anyway, no harm done. Even if I get in there and realize it won't work, I can walk away with no broken bones. Of course, then I'll feel bad that I'm trapped with no treatment, but...yeah.