Thanks, Byzantine, for that article. It's good, I printed it out and am going to try to remember to do the things it said. Tsol sent me an article too a while back and it had some of the same suggestions, as far as being very specific about what you're sorry for exactly, so I have been trying to do a lot of that stuff already.
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For the past...I get that he's recalling it. My bf had one previous relationship before we met and I didn't have much to go on with it. But what I had I analyzed. Even when I was doing it, I knew it didn't make sense. THIS WAS BEFORE I WAS IN THE PICTURE! WTH DOES IT MATTER? I know there were times that I tested his commitment to our relationship in the past year. And there were times when I hoped he would fail. I wanted an excuse to walk away because it had to be easier. Maybe, in looking at the past I was trying to find something that would finally be a deal breaker. In older posts he had said that he thinks you prefer one night stands. I think he is doing something similar to what I did. -Trying to find that undefendable flaw
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Yeah, I'm hoping he's just hurting and searching for answers. I'm hoping he'll stop and get over the past. There's nothing I can do about it... and he had an idea the types of things that were in my past when we got together, he just didn't know specifics. If he continues to bring it up, that's going to make things very difficult.
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My suggestion for sharing what you've been internally investigating would work a lot better if you were physically together. Like you could have a basket placed somewhere that's out of the way but you both know where it is. You could write out what you've been thinking/learning and place letters in the box. The he could read them when he feels ready. If there's something important you could let him know. Then he could ask questions or write back. Now this is sounding a lot like email. Maybe you could open a specific account and he could have that forwarded to a folder rather than his inbox. That way he sees it's there but if he's not having a great day he doesn't have to respond right away.
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That's a great idea, our counselor actually suggested this, except he said a journal. I think we'll have to do something like this since oral communication gets extremely convoluted and confusing with us.
I had an epiphany this weekend. And it was not a pleasant one.
I had some friends over the other night for Taco Night - my favorite thing to host. I had a few drinks and stayed up until 3 am talking with them. Something occurred to me then. I don't like it, it scares me, and I definitely don't want to tell Allen. Here it is: for some time now, I've been questioning whether he and I are right for each other. My sister and I had a conversation about it about six months ago, when he was gearing up to leave for Alaska and he did something to piss me off. I told her that it sounds terrible, but sometimes I think I can do better than him. My sister agreed. Mainly, someone who's got a career (Allen doesn't really even want a career, he'd rather have the freedom that temporary, part-time jobs give him) and wants to marry me (Allen doesn't really believe in marriage, although he's said, "I've realized I'm probably going to eventually have to marry you," how romantic). Of course, those things are things that are on the con side of my list, so it's not that I haven't evaluated them. I'm just now really beginning to understand in the context of the cheating. Here's what I think happened: Allen was out of town. I had this vague notion of sort of looking around while he was gone to see what other options in terms of men might be out there. I didn't ever consciously say to myself, "I'm going to date or cheat on him while he's gone," but I did have these questions regarding the long-term feasibility of our relationship in my mind. The night the incident occurred, we were staying with an old friend of mine. I was telling her about him not wanting to marry me. As my sister and I prepared to go out, she handed me a heart-shaped chocolate and said something like, "Here's to finding someone to replace Allen." Although I think she was mostly joking, what she said hit home with me, and maybe I was subconsciously looking for someone to "replace" him while I was out. Problem is, I don't know how to date (this book I read called
Unhooked confirmed that very few in our generation do know how to date) so in my drunken stupor I fell back into old habits of trying to "get" a man by hooking up with him.
I think that may be a huge part of what happened. And it wasn't just my friend that we were staying with. My sister has said she thought I could do better and even my mom, before she died, tried to hook me up with one of her male nurses. I'm not happy about this answer. I hate it, in fact. Everyone has doubts about their relationship, but how can I think I can "do better"? What is wrong with me? And how am I ever going to tell him? If that's the answer, it will only hurt him more.
I guess I always knew the answer wouldn't be anything pleasant, but this... this is just awful.