The survivors of abuse forum might be a more appropriate place to talk about some of these things, there are people there who understand what you've been through. It's good to give a bit of warning, as well, if you need to talk about things that could be disturbing, we do that for each other here. I understand how badly you need to get this off your chest, and I know it's a relief to be able to do that with people who get where you're coming from. You have had some pretty bad things happen to you from a young age. Psych Central is a good place to talk about all of these things. The best thing you could do is get yourself into some counseling or therapy and talk about this stuff with someone who can give you a professional opinion and some coping skills to deal with your past and the present. A therapist can ask questions and make you see things in a way you haven't before. There are a lot of people here who have done that for me as well. It seems like you're pretty happy in your relationship despite the hard times, so that's a positive thing. But the wounds from that type of treatment don't just go away, obviously, and you have a lot of healing to do. Welcome to Psych Central, jlock