if only you could see my awkward uncomfortable laughter at the compliment...but i will thank you for it none the less. I agree i do not need to be hurt to change my actions, your right, i need to take a step in the right direction, which i feel i have by scheduling an appointment with a new T on sept 6 as well as admitting that everything isn't completely controllable by me, maybe it's time to be back on medication, back into therapy......although part of me still feels like i really have to have the **** hit the fan in order for me to realize i need help....there is no willpower or bootstraps for chemicals in the brain gone haywire.