I agreed to watch my sister's kids this weekend against my better instincts. I'll never do that again! I think I'm more tired and worn down than I'll admit to myself. As long as I don't get too much pressure, I'm ok. A little extra pressure, and I go to bits.

I love my niece and nephew, but they don't mind. You're saying 'stop!' and 'no!' and they go merrily on their way doing whatever they feel like. I had them for nearly 24 hours, including overnight. By the end I was pretty mad.

It was pretty stressful for my son too. After I returned them to my sister, my son and I had a fight. I was too tired to handle it effectively, so I dropped him at home and left in the car for an hour to get some time alone to calm myself.

When I got home he really, really wasn't doing well. And that's sad because he's been doing amazingly well for the last month. His sense of humor is back. It's like the personality he had when he was a child (before the awful teen years) has returned except as a grown man. His quirky sense of humor and point of view and his imagination have been re-emerging. Then last night... I don't know.

He told me a couple of weeks ago that I'm his "only life line." When he starts getting psychotic he doesn't trust me, so he cuts me off. That leaves him trying to cope with the psychosis without his life line. Yesterday we had that fight and it may have left him feeling cut off. He called a friend during the hour I was gone and that friend asked him if my son knew where the friend could buy drugs. That just seemed to set him off in some odd way.

I guess I'm saying I think he needs a wider support system. If he feels like I'm unavailable he needs someone to turn to other than druggies. The good news: during our argument he mentioned his new therapist's name. He said he wished she were present at the argument, because he knew she'd take his side. I feel like it's a good sign that he's developing a relationship there. But he needs some friends who can be a place he can turn without being dragged back into unhealthy old habits.

Sorry if I'm rambling here. I slept very, very poorly last night.