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I am so sorry for your situation. What an emotionally overwhelming situation. I wish you and your daughter luck.
This may sound like a silly question, but have you sat down and talked with her? The truth is if she wants to have sex she will. As you know it is more important for her to make good choices. I would sit down and have a long heart to heart with her. Let her know that you are honored that your friend trusted you enough to raise her daughter when she could not; that although you will not do things exactly the same way her mother did that you have her best interests at heart. Let her know how much her behavior saddens and worries you and why.
I would also have a discussion with her about STDs. With my own children and their friends I found them to be most receptive and surprised about herpes. While it is not normally life threatening it is troublesome and there is no cure. I think for them it was a wake up call. AIDS or other STDs “won’t happen” to them, but herpes is so common that it actually seemed like a possibility. As a female she has a particular concern because it can be fatal to infants.
Another thing that I really emphasized to my own children was that pregnancy is a natural consequence of sex. To ask themselves if this is the person they wanted to be a parent to their child. It seems to be the norm these days to simply complain about what a loser the baby daddy or baby mama is. I made my children understand that this decision is entirely theirs; BEFORE they had sex. The old adage if you lay with dogs you get fleas holds a lot of truth.
With my own children I never made sex “bad”. I tried to educate them on making better choices; at least informed ones. I let them know that sex changes a relationship. My own rules of thumb were that I was sure that they would have sex before I thought they were ready. It is my opinion that if they are too embarrassed to talk about birth control and what should happen if it failed with their partner then they should be too embarrassed to have sex with them.
Finally I would discuss house rules and how important they are to the health and happiness of the entire family. Since she has betrayed your trust twice already I would let her know that this is her final chance with this boy being welcomed into your home. I would also have a conversation with the boy involved, right now it sounds like your daughter is the only one dealing with the consequences of their actions, and he needs to be involved as well. Before he is allowed back in the house let him know that you are holding him accountable as well. If he should continue to ignore the house rules and disrespect you and your daughter that he will no longer be welcome in your home and you will discuss the issue with his parents because his behavior is dangerous and disrespectful as well. Personally I would make the bedroom off limits and limit their time together once the grounding is over.
Keep talking and listening. Good luck and please let us know how things are working out.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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