I'm just writing to see if I can figure out my session. Or maybe someone else can.

It's been a week between sessions (which I'm still getting used to) and both last week and this week I had 50 minutes sessions (I usually have 90). And we're in the middle of the hardest thing we've talked about.

When I got there, I gave T some cookies because I baked some for my boys today. He ate one right away and we talked about me not knowing where he was this weekend. He felt bad that I was holding so much anxiety. But it just was what it was, so there wasn't much to say about it.

For some reason, we started talking about concerts we'd been to, and one story led to another. We both knew we weren't doing therapy and kept saying it was the LAST STORY but then I'd be like "let me just tell you one more" and it was just funny and we were laughing and finally we had to consciously put that stuff aside. Although looking back, I'm not sure that was the right thing to do.

We talked about my son and high school and how that feels.

And then there we were, in the yuck. I mean, that's what's THERE right now. And I said a couple of things about how I've been triggered lately and got this feeling that T didn't want me to be talking about it, so I stopped. I told him "I don't think you want me to talk about this right now". He said something like everything is welcome in there. So I said "I think ONE of us doesn't want to talk about this"...because I guess it could be me.

The thing is, this topic is so hard and so sensitive that if I sense the teeniest tiniest thing being "off" I just shut down. And that's basically what happened. T asked questions and I didn't answer. AAAAAAAAAA!

So I said we should schedule more appts (even though it was the middle of session) and T asked if I wanted to do that at the end or right then? I said right then. So he got his book and sat with me and that's when I found out that he's gone all next week and I'm going to have two weeks between my session this Friday and my next session. So THAT sucked. He just had forgotten to tell me. Argh.

I finally said I wanted to leave (even though we had 15 minutes left), but I knew that shutting myself off from him was the wrong thing to do. So we sat there. I finally told him that I needed to know that we're still US, and that he still loves me. He said "done". And I added "THE MOST". He just smiled.

I told him I feel so yucky and I'm afraid if I keep telling him this stuff he won't love me anymore.

And we talked a little bit about how Friday will go. T said that he would be open and that if we talk about hard stuff we'll make sure there is time to get grounded and connected at the end before our big giant break.

When I left I just felt frustrated. It felt like one of those pointless sessions (although I know no session is *really* pointless). I left a message and said that the session felt so much like my real life right now. There is this me who is a mom and who wants to laugh and tell funny stories about concerts and then there is this me who has this crappy stuff from the past orbiting around and triggering me and we bump up against each other and it just sucks.

I feel all disconnected from T and from myself. I need something, but I don't know what it is. I so wish I did.