Hi,

Em, where do i begin and how do i put this so it makes sence!!!

I suffer from HOCD. Basically that is a fear that i might be gay and a fear
that other people think i am gay. In the past i have tried to even say to
myself that im gay, but it just didnt fit and i couldnt accept this. I am not
gay, but every now and again i doubt this, as it is an
intrusive/obsessional thought. I am attracted to men and have been since
a young kid - but the fear is still there...

I was sexually abused when i was 16 by a very close friend of mine. HOCD
developed when i was around 17. Im 21 now. When i seen there was a
label for what i was experiencing - HOCD - i felt so much relief to know i
wasnt going mad and others go through this too. I duno if the HOCD is
linked the the sexual abuse. Maybe, maybe not...

I suffer from social anxiety also, just to add that in, coz it matters, as you
will find out further on. I have also never been a touchy feely person and i
think that is linked to my up-bringing coz there was no love & affection in
the home - just fighting etc.

I have got dependancy issues with alcohol and drugs. I became sexually
active when i was 15 - thats when i started drinking. All my sexual
partners have been when i have been drunk or drugged and the thought
of sex without a drink or drug is terrifing. Also not going into details but
some of my previous partners, i havnt had the best experience with.

I am currently seeing someone who i like. The more i see him the more i
come to like him but im still not sure how i fully feel about him coz my
heads a bit messed up. I feel our relationship is going to become physical
soon, and its something i do want but i am really worried becoz of all the
stuff mentioned above. Mainly the anxiety, the HOCD & drink/drug
dependancy. I worry with the anxiety
sober i wont be able to preform.

I duno what to do about my situation and i duno what im even hoping to
gain from this post. How do i help my situation? I want to become physical
and enjoy the sex we have (if & when we do), but with the anxiety,
drink/drug dependancy & unsure feelings towards him, i dunno what to
do. Would it help to open up to him, but even saying that i think - "god
no, i couldnt do that", but it may ease me somewhat. I wouldnt say about
the HOCD coz il sound like a complete nutcase and he would proberly run
a mile...

Please help me. What can i do? Can i even do anything? And please dont
think im mad, coz this is something i am struggling with big time and i dont
know what to do. I also feel writing this post so much shame for what
i have been thru and what goes thru my head.

Tnx for reading - if you didnt stop after the first few lines!