I hear you Sharon. I have bp2 & had an extremely abusive childhood. My self-esteem was kicking along OK while I was having moderate life successes. But about 4 years ago my life started falling apart & has been going from bad to worse. Every time someone said "don't worry mate, it can only get better", I could've throttled them. Every time something goes wrong, it's been a kick to my already fragile psyche. I've always acted strong & resilient, so no-one knew, my sense of "self" was taking a harsh battering. Even when something's not my fault, I think so little of myself that I don't defend myself & believe I'm just getting what I deserve. I just recently was fired (for the 1st time ever) from a really crappy job where I was bullied & belittled, but my stupid mind has told itself "yep, see it is you, you're the freak". Since I lost my job I haven't been able to leave my house, let alone apply for work. I'm a quivering, terrified wreck; I just can't face people anymore. I can't stand the thought of one more person telling me "you're not good enough". Anyway, I didn't mean this to be just a whinge from me; I was just going to suggest that when I want a bit of a boost, I take up old hobbies I'd enjoyed in the past, things I'd been good at before ie quilting, art, gardening etc. Good luck to you.