I don't know what to make of my life and hope someone can help me figure out what to do. Please read my post carefully before commenting because there are a lot of important variables.

I never had much problem until several years ago when a major change in my life in 2006 (sold everything and moved to Europe to become a missionary) caused a dramatic change in my mental state. As a teenager I experienced classic obsessive compulsive symptoms, but not very bad most of the time. But after 2006 (age 28) I started being crippled with mental obsessions, guilt, depression and anxiety. It got so bad I had to return to the US and have continued downhill since.

I am married (for 15 years, I'm 33 years old now) and there are no problems there except that I know my situation puts a tremendous amount of pressure on my wife and that is hard for me to deal with that fact. I was beginning to drink heavily (about 6 drinks a day, but never to real intoxication because it was over several hours and I am not a small guy) but recently got control over that. I don't use drugs aside from a couple of antidepressants, and don't smoke. I have a great deal of difficulty motivating myself to exercise.

Here's what the real problem is. I can't do ANYTHING. It's hard to describe how difficult it is to even do simple things. I would rather fall over dead than walk across the room and get a glass of water at times. For years I ran a small residential service business, but that is nearly impossible now. I work mostly on ebay, but my wife has had to take most of that over, in addition to her part time job. If I sit at the computer to work I mostly find myself just hitting the refresh button on my email account or a couple of news sites over and over and over and over... I was once very active in my church but now have difficulty doing any sort of spiritual activity. I am mostly just a lump taking up space nowadays.

I also have severe anxiety. It used to be all the time, but I think the antidepressants have helped a bit. Still I panic in some situations, especially when I am in a car of building or somewhere where I feel obligated to be and therefore trapped. I am terrified of going on a car trip with anyone other than my wife. I avoid all but brief conversations with friends, and rarely go to their houses anymore even though I used to be very social. I don't mind them coming to our house, but that's because I know I can get away if I need to by going upstairs- though I rarely have to, just the knowledge that I could is a huge help.

I obsess constantly. Before the antidepressants I had even more symptoms of mental obsessive compulsive disorder. Guilt over past events, some real, others imagined (did I do something horrible and have forgotten?), constant need to confess and re confess over and over. I also have some of the less common symptoms of the disorder such as metal scenes of distressing shapes and sounds which have plagued me since early childhood.

I am also very obsessive in other key ways. For example, I can't do anything at all unless it is a total obsession. I work on the Internet hours a day for a week and do little else. Then I can't bring myself do it at all for a month or more. Same with my hobby of woodworking. It consumes every waking hour for a few days, than I can't get interested in any aspect of it for weeks. If I drink alcohol it quickly becomes a daily obsession, so I have to be very careful. Thankfully I don't smoke, gamble, do drugs or anything like that because it would probably become an obsession too.

As I lay in bed at night my thoughts are always the same thing over and over. I think of suicide constantly, obsess over how to do it and what it would be like. But I care too much about my wife to actually do it, it's just another of my mental obsessions like other less dark subjects that invade my thoughts regularly. (I do NOT believe I am a danger to myself or others. I just obsess.)

I've seen a couple of doctors, but without insurance they are only moderately interested. I'm sure they get people complaining of a little depression all the time. I've tried Citalopram, Effexor, and Welbutren (I have no idea how to spell them), with some results, but not nearly enough. The doctors are beginning to give me the impression that it's just me and I need to snap out of it. But try as I might I can't reason myself out of this.

So my question... is this just me? Am I just too lazy to work hard enough to get out of this situation? Or is there something truly wrong with my brain?

I know, you're not doctors, you can't tell me what my problem is. But what has been your experience? Is depression/obsessiveness/anxiety something that can be overcome by will power? The doctor says I am looking for a magic pill, but that's the point I've reached after several years of steady mental collapse.