im posting to ask if there is something "wrong with me", or if my circumstances were just bad, which caused all of it. let me explain what i mean:

before 4th grade i was very social, gregarious, had high self esteem etc. i pretty healthy, social-skill wise. but 4th grade also happened to by my first year in public school.

(im not sure) but for some reason i craved attention, and would act out just to get it. i realzied that picking my nose would get the attention of the other kids, even if it meant taunting. before i knew it i was being made fun of pretty badly, and really regreted picking my nose so often. so i stopped. but the jokes kept coming for the rest of the year. i had no friends, ubut had a close group of buddys in my second home (divorced parents) which helped.

5th grade came alongand i was doing ok, still had pretty good self esteem, still made people laugh etc. but i didnt really have any good friends. only acquaintances. i was kind of at a school with a bunch of idiots, and kids from a much lower socio-economic backround than me. so im not sure if my lack of friends was my fault or the students fault.

6th grade came along, still very gregarious and good with people. i wasn't shy at all. but i didnt make any friends, for some reason. i couldnt tell you why, i really dont know. the whole year went by friendless

7th grade came and i still didnt have any friends, and i started to lose a little self confidence. grades started to go way down. i started to become quiet and shy, "somber" was the word my dad used when looking back. i was very embarassed about my lack of friends, and tried to hide it from people. i would walk around aimlessly at lunch to make it look like i had somewhere to go. it was dreadfull.

8th grade came. by this time i was at a new school. there were probably people i could have been friends with, but i had no self confidence left, and was very shy and quiet. i would hide in the bathroom at lunch so people would not know i was a loner. sometimes i would cry, it was horrible. during this period i was generally just kind of sad and lonely.

then i get into high school, and by this time my social skills were shot. i was very reserved and had no confidence whatsoever. i have no idea how to handle social situations, and was quite "awkward". then one day twords the end of the year this kid came up to me in the library, and asked if i wanted to hang out with him and his friends. i had a lot in common with all of them (a passion for music and art), and started to hang out with them every day. however i barely ever opened my mouth, and almost never laughed.

10th grade came, and i opened up to these kids a little. but not much. i was still very quiet and reserved. i started going out and night, and started to get some social experience and stuff.

11th grade came, and this is where i am now. i would say that im "almost" normal. i can hold up conversations with strangers, and am generally a little happier. but i still lack self confidence, and im very self conscious (which i hate so much). my social skills are a little shakey and i probably lack the skills to make new friends (other than the ones i allready have.) like, i could never just go up to someone and talk to them. but recently ive realized ive gained just enough self-confidence to go and talk to a girl at say, a concert or something, something which was def. out of the picture before.

so right now i would say im a tiny bit socially awkward. but almost completely lack self esteem and confidence. im very self conscious, which i hate most of all. im generally kind of stiff.


so anyway

my first question is: would you say there is something socially-wrong with me, or was this just an unfortunate series of events rooted at my initial craving for attention? because i feel like im growing out of it.

my second question is: how on earth can i get over this? how can i improve my self confidence? its killing me feeling this stiff and nervous and reserved all the time. i hate it. only when im around close friends in a quiet setting can i feel at ease. and even then its not guranteed, at all.

next year im going to this boarding school, and ill be repeating 11th grade. im worried im not going to be able to make friends. (pretty common fear i think). but what can i do to grow out of this once and for all? i feel like im allready half way there.

thanks!

(and i apoligize for my poor writing, i kind of rushed this)