Being honest with him is the best thing you can do, for both of you, so that you don't end up doing something you're not ready for out of fear of telling him, and he doesn't feel later like he's done something wrong. If he's a good, caring, mature and honest person, and that's why you're attracted to him, he will understand. You don't have to push yourself to do something you are not ready for emotionally.

I know what it's like to want something you don't really want, if that makes sense. It's a confusing place to be, and we really have to examine our fears and desires and motives, and be honest with OURSELVES first, then act on the truth with both of your well-beings in mind.

Take some time, make sure you are ready and that you can enjoy it with no regrets, and without needing to numb yourself to experience it. It could take a while, but fully experiencing the joy of that intimacy is not possible if you are numbing yourself in order to "get through it". That's not what it should be about at all.

Intimacy is not just sexual. It starts in the mind. It is being comfortable with someone, and mutually appreciating aspects of the other, with a sense of trust.

Intimacy in a physical aspect is not just sexual. It is comfort, and lots of touching that is not sexual in context, but an expression of caring.

Intimacy in a sexual aspect is not about fear and anxiety, or worrying about performance. It comes from a mutual feeling of wanting to each other to enjoy the experience, and a sense security. Feeling the attraction, learning things about the other person's body, with gentleness first.

You can take time to build this. You can take the time you need. And if this is what you want, don't be afraid to tell him. You can build something you will both enjoy as partners, and work toward a healthy sexual and emotional relationship.

Are you seeing a therapist about the HOCD? If not, it might help to have a plan to work toward the goal of being comfortable with this situation. I don't know about your drug and alcohol issues, so I couldn't give you any advice on those unless you have a goal when it comes to those issues, and where that comes into play for you in your life and relationships.

Good luck!