Hugs to you lost on the trail. I'm not sure what to suggest. I don't know much on the subject. 2 years ago i lost a old high school bud to suicide, which in ways still bothers me but it has reminded me of how many ppl are effected by such an act even if one does not think so. I was angry at him and myself for a bit and it still comes and goes. What if questions come to my mind. I never will know so i can't dwell on it either. I tried to grow from it, the realization i said before hits home for me. I take what actions my bud did and remember if i did id be hurtin the same and more ppl than i realize. Its sad some cant see they are inabled to. And like i was told with the what if questions- What if i did stay in closer touch, he could had just lingered till 30 to do it or not. Who really knows? I know how it feels to want to bring an up roar to some one but be up beat. I do this with my brother in a sick way i think i'm bettering him by saying no i am not mad you lie about your drug use. I just know with him it will push him further away. I use myself as example for him ie i don't need pot right now i need to talk. Drugs were so chaotic for me. There are times i am straight talk with him of it doesn't help anything. My point is - what can any of us really do if the individual doesn't want to listen or with our reaction pushes them away? Who knows? I try to remember good times with my high school bud some times i "talk to him" and my with my bro i hope i never get news, but i've tried to talk and now trying to lead by example in a way. We do the best, but if one can not look out of the box then we can't force them to, no matter how much pain is brought. I'm sorry for rambling and if it makes no sense. But i wish you well. Perhaps talking with others could help?