I know your feelings all too well because I'm experiencing exactly the same thing right now. Yes, it's very painful to live with yourself in times like these. But when I was in weekly therapy it was ALOT less painful. For a long while in therapy, I was growing and feeling better. I did learn a lot. My recurrent issues reared their ugly head again when I could no longer afford therapy. Thus, I know I need reinforcement all over again because right now whatever I did learn is completely lost on me. I just can't get myself to reach back for my old tools - or perhaps I need some new ones now.

As for your emptiness, my old T used to always tell me that "nature abhors a vacuum", meaning that as we let go of the bad feelings inside, good ones begin to fill that void, that emptiness. That simple concept is very valid and very possible because I can tell you it worked for me for a good long time.

As for not wanting to go to therapy, have you thought about switching therapists? A friend of mine went through 4 different "traditional" Ts before he found a very non-traditional therapist who helped him tremendously. That may or may not work for you. But sometimes it takes some trial and error to find the right help, so I'd suggest NOT giving up on therapy just yet.

Hang in there. I wish you all the best.