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Old Sep 01, 2011, 09:13 AM
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SunAngel SunAngel is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: CT
Posts: 1,145
Quote:
Originally Posted by MyUserName View Post
Hi,

Em, where do i begin and how do i put this so it makes sence!!!

I suffer from HOCD. Basically that is a fear that i might be gay and a fear
that other people think i am gay. In the past i have tried to even say to
myself that im gay, but it just didnt fit and i couldnt accept this. I am not
gay, but every now and again i doubt this, as it is an
intrusive/obsessional thought. I am attracted to men and have been since
a young kid - but the fear is still there...

I was sexually abused when i was 16 by a very close friend of mine. HOCD
developed when i was around 17. Im 21 now. When i seen there was a
label for what i was experiencing - HOCD - i felt so much relief to know i
wasnt going mad and others go through this too. I duno if the HOCD is
linked the the sexual abuse. Maybe, maybe not...

I suffer from social anxiety also, just to add that in, coz it matters, as you
will find out further on. I have also never been a touchy feely person and i
think that is linked to my up-bringing coz there was no love & affection in
the home - just fighting etc.

I have got dependancy issues with alcohol and drugs. I became sexually
active when i was 15 - thats when i started drinking. All my sexual
partners have been when i have been drunk or drugged and the thought
of sex without a drink or drug is terrifing. Also not going into details but
some of my previous partners, i havnt had the best experience with.

I am currently seeing someone who i like. The more i see him the more i
come to like him but im still not sure how i fully feel about him coz my
heads a bit messed up. I feel our relationship is going to become physical
soon, and its something i do want but i am really worried becoz of all the
stuff mentioned above. Mainly the anxiety, the HOCD & drink/drug
dependancy. I worry with the anxiety
sober i wont be able to preform.

I duno what to do about my situation and i duno what im even hoping to
gain from this post. How do i help my situation? I want to become physical
and enjoy the sex we have (if & when we do), but with the anxiety,
drink/drug dependancy & unsure feelings towards him, i dunno what to
do. Would it help to open up to him, but even saying that i think - "god
no, i couldnt do that", but it may ease me somewhat. I wouldnt say about
the HOCD coz il sound like a complete nutcase and he would proberly run
a mile...

Please help me. What can i do? Can i even do anything? And please dont
think im mad, coz this is something i am struggling with big time and i dont
know what to do. I also feel writing this post so much shame for what
i have been thru and what goes thru my head.

Tnx for reading - if you didnt stop after the first few lines!
I was the exact same way regarding drinking and drugs in order to be able to have sex. I had to always be drunk or high in order to be intimate with guys I went out with. Then I got married, stopped the drinking because I was using it to self-medicate (Bipolar Disorder) and then had to have sex with my husband sober. It was very difficult at first, but he took things slowly and sex is so much better when you are not under the influence of anything. When you build up trust with someone, it gets easier and easier.

Just talk to him, and tell him you need to take things slowly to build up trust with him.
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Thanks for this!
MyUserName, shezbut