|
Sep 01, 2011, 11:55 AM
|
|
|
|
Member Since: Jul 2011
Posts: 110
|
|
Here is a portion of an email exhange we had the other day. It is missing the first two sets of emails, but I think you can get the general idea. My text is in blue, his is in green italics.
Quote:
We differ on this point. Introversion is not a character flaw. It is an immutable personality type. Sure, you can shift slightly on those types as you age, but nonetheless, it is wrong to make value judgments about something that is an inherent part of who a person is. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. I can work on being friendlier and I promise to with your friends and family but I do not want to change who I am. I cannot anyway. Seeing a personality type as some sort of flaw is your problem though. Changing to “better” myself or my relationship is ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert to begin with. Also, introversion is not the same as shyness. Shyness is a product of being an introvert, yes, but they are not the same thing. Introversion simply means you recharge and get your energy from being by yourself, not with other people. That is unchangeable. Shyness is often a result of being an introvert, naturally. Shyness can be changed or adjusted, but introversion cannot. Yes, I want to improve myself and my relationships and I will continue to work on my shyness and social anxiety but I will not attempt to change my basic, inherent personality type.
I agree, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. I am one myself. I love it. I would never want to change it. I suppose I was referring to shyness. I apologise for that misunderstanding on my part. I do recharge from being by myself. That is one thing I cherish more than I can even verbalise. Introversion is a personality trait, I know that. I misused words or misrepresented myself. Does that help clear up the topic?
I am sorry I hurt you. I accept full responsibility for what I did. I was drunk and stupid and weak. However, it is obvious you are not ready to hear the answers I have to give you so I am going to stop trying until you tell me you are ready to hear them, if ever. Perhaps you don’t really need the answers. Is it enough for me to tell you that it was 100% my fault, I’m so so sorry to have caused you all that pain, and I will work as hard as I can to regain your trust and convince you that it will never happen again? Could we just leave it at that? I will still try to fish out the answers for myself but maybe you don’t really need to know what they are.
I guess I do not want to hear the answers. Maybe I don't need to hear them. Honestly, I am afraid to hear them if you haven't told me yet. I am afraid of what they are, I am afraid of how i may react. I am already devastated over it so maybe I shouldn't know the whole reason. As long as you promise you will work at regaining my trust and help heal the wounds I will be fine. At least for now, the urge is there for me to make meaning of it all because I have trouble with that, Gina.
I never said I felt unloved. Why are you putting words into my mouth and then attacking me for them? I said I felt undesirable. You can’t try to convince me I didn’t feel that way because I did. All I ever wanted was an apology. An apology that I got hurt when you fell asleep on me. An apology that you wrote eloquently about other beautiful girls and I was hurt by that. An apology that I was hurt by you spending your last night in Talkeetna in September 2008 with your friends and not me. You don’t even have to be sorry that you did those things; just sorry that I was hurt by them. Who cares if you had a good reason to fall asleep? I was hurt by it; that’s all that should matter. Instead, you get defensive and try to talk me out of feeling the way I feel. You refuse to see any of the problems you have caused in the relationship. You put everything on me, except for a few things you are willing to admit. You admit depression and insecurities, maybe they are easier for you to admit than the other issues I’m trying to share with you. You can’t open your mind to other possibilities. You are unwilling to accept any of the complaints I make. You don’t really listen; you just argue. I mean, you read what I write and consider it, but you don’t really make an attempt to put yourself in my shoes and feel what it feels like to be me. You point out what’s wrong with me. You say I have issues. You make me think the feelings I have are unreasonable or irrational or crazy. I’m done playing into that. I did for a long time, I would discount my feelings as well because I wanted so badly to get along with you. Well, not anymore. I am not crazy or unreasonable or irrational. I am a person who gets hurt by another person. All I want is some kind of acknowledgment from that person that he hurt me.
I am not trying to put words into your mouth, Dear. That is just how I read into the messages. I apologise. Will you apologise for spending all that time on the computer and reading? I am okay with you doing that stuff, I support it, I just can't be happy if it is every night and I am neglected. I do get defensive, I admit that and I will work on not doing it so much. I apologise. I can open my mind though, I just think we both have our "go to" problems. Both of us do. I also discounted my feelings. I don't want to do that anymore. Can we both promise to talk about and listen, listen is big I believe, to each others feelings and problems regularly from here on out? I too get hurt, I suppress it for the sake of others and that isn't healthy. I promise to focus on that, on acknowledging your emotions/feelings if you promise to do the same with me. That is a legitimate request, right?
What this letter has revealed is that you are unwilling to accept any responsibility for the problems in our relationship. You say you are, maybe you think you are, but you’re not. Maybe you do not see the major problems that you exhibit in emails like this. When you say things like “If I made you feel unloved than I would have to say you either have high expectations of what love should be or you are incapable of experiencing something that could be closely related to real love and not lust,” I see a problem much deeper than just how desirable you make me feel. I don’t see any remorse from you that you hurt me. I just see you trying to defend your actions. I see problems that are nearly insurmountable. Emails like this one make me doubt we’ll ever get past them. I will always be sorry and remorseful and pained that I cheated on you. I’m sorry that that is how all of this had to come to light. I’m still willing to give our relationship a chance, but you have to take a serious look at how you deal with my emotions and whether you are willing and able to change. I’m sorry to be this harsh, but these are things I need to know. I know some of your unwillingness to accept responsibility is because of the cheating. Know that I am not asking you to accept any responsibility for that. I also read in your last letter that it is difficult for you to look past that at the other issues in our relationship, and I understand why that is, yet I am asking you to do so. I can’t stay in a relationship where I feel subjugated because you don’t understand my emotions.
Neither can I. I believe we both agree with that 100%. Let's work this out. i ask the same things from you as you have asked from me. I admit I have been emotional void over the past months or year. I apologise, Gina, I hope you can accept that. Please, please, please see that we both have been hurting over time prior to the July 3rd incident. I am tired and beaten and just want to work on being a couple full of love and happiness.
Also, don’t compare yourself to the other men I’ve been with. That is irrelevant. Yes, you are better than any of them, but that doesn’t mean I should just accept the way you treat me because it’s the best I’ve had.
The mind goes through many thoughts when something like cheating takes place. Sure some, most maybe, of them are irrational or irrelevant but it happens. It is the heart and the mind struggling for reason in a terrible event. It has happened to me in the past, I feel like I die when it happens. I feel like it is a slow death trying to find reason in it. I ask questions and make connections such as the above, about being better than the others, because I can't understand what something would make a person go to that degree of betrayal and assault one someone else.
I’ve come to some realizations over this “break” from communication with you, through this email, and during my session with Carl this morning. They are important and they all revolve around how you respond to my needs, emotional and physical. This is a deal-breaker for me. I think it can be changed, with work and commitment from each of us, but if it doesn’t, I cannot stay.
I agree that it can be changed. Please, know and believe I want to evolve and deeper our relationship. We both have the same wants and needs it seems. That is great, it can be improved. I promise to devote my time equally to your emotional and physical needs as well as my own. Will you do the same for me?
I too will fight until I can't fight anymore. I love you. Goodnight, Gina.
|
Whaaaaat? I'm blown away; he's like a different person.
|